Bloody Maddening
by NotMarge
Summary: I'm Hatter. And this is my story of Alice.
1. Bloody Maddening

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

* * *

I almost didn't answer me office door that day. Wouldn't _that_ have been a laugh.

No story, no adventure.

No Charlie.

No Stone of Wonderland.

No uprising.

And worst of all, no Alice.

At least not for me anyways.

So I guess I'm glad Ratty's so persistent and annoying.

You know, the guy doesn't give up easily.

Also the smell's helpful.

As in, you know, being so bad it makes you more than willing to do near anything to get him to leave.

Not that he's a bad guy.

Just, well, not really aromatically pleasing, as it were.

* * *

"Down by the docks . . . just appeared outta the lake . . . dripping wet and ready for a fight . . ."

Sometimes when Ratty got excited, he had trouble forming complete sentences and making himself understood.

"green paper . . . to shake my hand, even . . ."

Patience all run dry, I held up me hand to the jabbering, smelly old ratcatcher.

"Slow down, Ratty. What're you on about?"

His beady little eyes were shiny and a little mad.

"Alice!"

Alice. Right. Didn't know any Alice. Knewa Carlotta. But she'd never . . .

"Of Legend."

Wait. What?

* * *

Blimey, she sure was a looker alright.

Spotted her as Ratty was bringing her through crowd of shouting, desperate Teaheads.

Long, dark hair. Piercing blue eyes.

To go with her very wet dress.

Yeah, she cut quite a striking figure.

And sure not some little girl Alice the tales spoke of.

I was intrigued, to say the least.

But I was a showman.

So I got ready for the show.

* * *

"Would you like a cuppa tea?"

* * *

 **'Ello, all!**

 **Interested?**

 **Leave a review if you like.**


	2. Me First Skirmish with Alice

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Me First Skirmish with Alice

* * *

"No thank you. Who are you?"

Blimey, she sounded tense. Like, razor's edge tense.

But I wasn't.

No, not me. Not the Hatter.

I spun 'round in me office chair, smooth as you please.

And there she was.

More lovely than ever up closer.

Drenched and stubbornly not shivering.

Standing next to poor, disheveled, smelly ole Ratty.

Yeah, a right lovely sight.

And rigid.

Ready for fight or flight.

He'd sure been right about that.

Boy was she ever.

Alert and edgy and ready to face down . . . well, anything. Everything.

So it was me job to put her at ease.

And figure her out.

"A friend," I replied lightly. "I hope."

I explained me own standing as Ratty untied the no doubt filthy wrapping from around her forearm.

And there it was.

The green glow of the Suits' brand just as Ratty had said.

Huh. That complicated things a touch.

And intrigued me all the more.

Oysters didn't escape once the Suits had 'em. Well, not usually anyway.

But I'd already figured out this pretty little oyster was anything but usual.

Even though I must admit, I didn't know just how much right then.

And I figured I could handle her.

She was, after all, just an oyster.

A _girl_ oyster.

And I was the Hatter.

So it couldn't be too much of a chore.

And I was here to serve.

So I fished the short version of the tale outta her as to the how she'd gotten herself here and the why.

And as she was talking, I took the opportunity to look her over real good.

Dripping head to booted toe.

She was a grown woman, no doubt about that. Strong for her size and not scared at all of me or anybody else. Well, not _showing_ it anyway. Which took some guts.

Wonderland, the _real_ Wonderland . . .

 _Story in a kid's book, me bleedin' hat._

. . . on a good day is not for the faint of heart.

And she appeared to be having a rather _not_ so good day.

Still and all, for every bit of her confidence and bravery, she was dressed like a little girl. Blue jumper and red tights and ankle boots.

Hair done up all innocent and vulnerable.

It looked nice, I'm not denying. Just . . . something not quite grownup about it.

Like she had gotten stuck somewhere on her way to becoming a complete person.

She was already a curiosity to me, even then. An enigma.

And to Ratty as well, by the look of it.

He couldn't take his eyes off her.

'Course he was convinced she was _the_ Alice of Legend.

I, being a bit more savvy, knew that was an impossible possibility. Too many years gone past for an oyster, any oyster, especially one so young as this.

She sure asked a lot of questions, spoke a lot of words.

Showed a lot of doubt of it all.

Smart girl.

Bloody maddening too.

Oh I tried.

Used all me tricks, as it were.

Moved smooth and sauve around this me kingdom and domain. Confident and cocksure, as you'd say.

Charmed her with me open and welcome manner. Me dashing smile. Strutted and sashayed.

Got downright familiar, touching her arm . . .

 _Ooh, smooth._

Sidling up behind her, nice and easy.

 _Smells nice. Even outta the lake, how'd you manage that?_

Told her small truths and glossed over some of the more unsavory details.

For _her_ sake, mind you.

Even confided in her about _the_ Alice of Legend too. With a little flair thrown in for good measure.

Didn't impress her much. Clear she thought I was a mad, lying wanker. Even more so than before.

So I back it off and tried again.

Made little jokes, capered a bit to lighten her up, chip away at that smooth, porcelain stone face of hers. Warm up those frozen blue ice chips in her eyes.

And nothing worked.

Not one bloody bit.

Charmed the dim wits right outta ole Ratty there.

Sigh.

Poor Ratty.

He'd hada hard knock life for sure, you'd say. And wanted just a little reprieve.

We'd been through a lot of secret deals together, Ratty and me.

He wasn't really a bad guy. Just perpetually down on his luck. Like so many other denizens of the Hearts-ensnared Wonderland.

And he just needed a little break. Just for a bit.

So I gave it to him.

He'd earned it anyway, bringing me such an interesting creature as her.

Still couldn't abide him trodding his mucky boots all over me lovely grass though.

Gotta have some manners and decorum, yeah?

And that grass was so bright, so pretty, so _green_.

Considered giving him a bottle of Peace.

Settled on something a bit more easier on the comedown.

Excitement.

Didn't want to hurt the poor bugger.

And coming down from Excitement is a lot easier than coming down off of Peace.

Doesn't hurt quite so much, you know?

Plus, the drought was cheaper too.

Hey, I never said I wasn't a businessman too, did I?

Anyway, ticked Alice off something fierce, me sell of the Tea.

Apparently I let me mouth run wild and revealed too much of me world as I'd enthused and enthralled.

Bugger.

Lost all me ground I'd covered with her. Okay, that's a lie. I'd never covered any ground at all during that entire first encounter, did I? Even with all me diversified efforts.

Bloody maddening.

Still, did me own shriveled up little heart good to see him so happy as he sprinted away.

And sad to know it had to come from a bottle.

Or woulda if I had thought on it.

Which I didn't. Couldn't. Wouldn't.

Nope. Not heading down that path.

Not with that eagle-eyed oyster girl standing there, catching me every tick and tell.

Never missing a slip of the tongue or the nuance of a syllable, her.

And I knew I had to be careful, dance light.

Knew she'd flay me to the bone if I didn't keep on me toes.

And I'd been the Hatter for too long to be taken down by some oyster.

So I turned away and headed off to me own tea (tea not Tea, thank you very much) to settle meself again and take this situation in hat, er, hand.

Figure her out.

And I did.

At least a little.

One piece of the Alice puzzle.

A guy.

She was here for some bloke.

Run off and left her. Caught and brought here.

That didn't bode well.

By White Rabbit, no less.

No, that didn't bode well at all.

She may as well just go home right then and there because what I knew from the start and she didn't, was that train had sailed.

And I just couldn't find it within me conscious to entirely lie to her.

So I explained. The White Rabbit. The Suits. The Casino.

A little too much, per'aps.

But hey, never said I wasn't completely untouched in the head.

And heart.

I even took another swing at breaking through that iron shield she held up between us.

And have some fun.

"One of the privileges of running a Tea sho- _p._ "

She didn't like it that time either.

Downright offended by me play at whimsy, she was.

And proximal distance too, most likely.

And here I was just trying to be, you know, _friendly_ and all.

And bless her little pearl-filled oyster soul if those big, bright blue eyes didn't holler out that she was going to go right ahead ignore every single one of me dark portents and warnings.

And plow directly head-on toward her already set mission to rescue her boyfriend.

Shoulda known then and there she'd fight me every inch of the way.

Shoulda known I was in for it from the get go.

But that's the thing. I didn't. I figured I could still make her see reason.

See sensibility.

And go home, unscathed and whole, while she still could.

Shows how little I really understood this driven, determined little oyster.

Because she wouldn't have stopped for anybody.

No way. No how.

And authors write _me_ as mad.

Plus I'd already caught a whiff of that sparkly ring on her finger. Hatched an idea to take her to Dodo and get me own share of some booty (no, not _that_ booty, you dirty minded oysters, you) so I didn't fight her too hard.

Instead I threw forward another offering of counterfeit friendship.

Me own purple velvet waistcoat.

Yeah, never really looked right on me.

But I hadn't kept it for that reason anyway. I'd kept it for the one reason that it was mine.

A trade.

From a needy Teahead.

For Contentment, as I recall.

But that's another story.

So I offered her me coat, even gentlemanly enough to slip it up over those creamy, smooth arms and shoulders if she'd let me.

And she offered me the green pieces of paper, just like with Ratty.

Naïve, naïve Alice.

As if I could use that somewhere other than the loo.

All the while holding on to that frustratingly wise doubt she had of me.

Which was not improved at all with me, ahem, luridly honest admission of her allure in that clingy dress.

What? Have you _seen_ some of the poor sods wandering through me Tea shoppe?

They didn't look like her, no.

So, I admit, I slipped up.

And I swear I thought that jumpy little oyster was going to haul off and clonk me.

But she didn't.

Good thing too. I've seen her fight now. Woulda hurt something fierce.

So I tried to rally.

Show how much she'd hurt (lie, what a lie, at least at that point) me innocent self.

She wasn't having it, no.

Tried to appeal to her sense of duty.

"Do you know why they call me Hatter?"

I shoulda known better than to give that one a whirl.

"Because you wear a hat?"

Jabberwock bollocks. Well, _yeah,_ but other than _that_.

So I poured it on, oh yeah. Like chocolate on cream cake.

Might've been a bit more convincing had I not tripped up on his bleedin' name.

See, even then, that ol' Jack was a thorn in me side.

Or a fly in me tea.

She did give me grace there though.

On him.

'Cause she wanted to believe so badly that she could find him in this not-so-fun madhouse of Wonderland.

That someone could help her get what she wanted and get home.

And maybe, just maybe, I was that someone.

So I took that iota of possibility.

And did what I do, or _did_ , best.

Exploited it.

And I wasn't proud of it, no.

Not then, not now, not ever.

But it was what I did.

Because I was Hatter.

A simple Tea shoppe proprietor.

A both-sides-of-the-court kinda guy.

A conman.

And Alice. Sweet, lovely, doubting Alice.

She went with me.

And I let her.

"Do try to keep up."

* * *

 **Not really proud of the way I started out with Alice, I must admit. But I promised meself I'd be straight up honest from here on out so I had to tell the truth.**

 **Hopin' you'll understand and have some grace there.**

 **Thanks to DinahRay for showing up for another tale. You are a devoted one, I'm grateful to say.**

 **And I haven't tossed away me other story, the 'Not So Mad' one. But it's difficult to sort through what stories to tell and to let lie, so I thought I'd work this one out for while.**

 **Anyway, 'til next time then, mates.**


	3. The First Time She Trusted Me

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

The First Time She Trusted Me

* * *

That was the thing about Alice when I met her.

She was so afraid, so scared.

I didn't know what of.

But I could sense it, buried way down deep inside her where no one could find it.

I just didn't know what it was.

I just assumed it was the shock and surprise at the grit of Wonderland to an oyster who had previously considered it a story in a kid's book.

Something I could use to me advantage to get what I wanted.

Since then Alice has educated me as to what assuming gets you.

Rather a blunt observation if you ask me.

But we won't go into that just now.

Rather, back to those first few hours.

So Alice, she was afraid and scared all the time.

That's why she had to be so tough, you see.

So nobody would guess, nobody would know.

That's when she was at her best, her most confident, when she was fighting.

When she was fighting, she had something tangible to conquer, something to beat, something to win against.

But she couldn't beat that ledge.

At least not alone.

I found that out straightaway.

And another piece of the Alice puzzle fell into place.

There, on that narrow ledge.

* * *

You gotta move fast in Wonderland. So you don't get spotted by the White Rabbit, the Suits, or any other unsavory characters that might catch you sneaking about.

Very few people just wander aimlessly out in the open.

So I guess you could say time was of the essence for us.

So when I glanced up to see those strong, red tighted legs still descending the ladder, me patience (a shallow cuppa tea in the first place with this maddening little oyster) ran all but dry.

 _Blimey, woman, speed up, yeah? We'll be at this all day._

I reached up to help her down and her entire body went rigid like I was attacking her or something.

 _Ridiculous notion, love. Whaddya take me for anyway?_

She mumbled a polite thank you false as tea is hot and I reckoned I should be thanking her for not slugging me, what with all the distaste pouring out of her at me touch. I turned away, embarrassed and ready to be done with the entire thing already.

 _Let somebody else be affronted by you for a while then, yeah?_

Heading off with haste toward our destination, I silently continued scheming me impending interaction with the swarthy, rotund Dodo.

Alone.

 _What the bleedin' . . ._

I turned back.

And there she was.

Miss Not Alice of Legend.

Clutching the metal rung, face milk white and drawn as she stared out over the yawning edge.

Most of Wonderland towered up above the ground. And the outskirts, which we were currently skirting, offered up only narrow walkways between us and empty sky.

Wasn't nothing for it. Just the way Wonderland was built.

 _Oh for crying out loud, we don't have_ time _for this._

But I could tell she wasn't well.

In fact, looked like she was gonna keel over.

Which woulda put a damper on me day I can tell you.

Right over the edge she woulda went.

No more pretty oyster in a very wet dress.

No more curiosity mixed with frustration at her maddeningly wise doubt and constant questioning of me.

No more trip to Dodo for a trade and me own cut.

No more nothing.

Just back to the Tea shoppe and those needy, pitiful Wonderlanders and their sick, sorry desperation.

Shame that woulda been.

All because . . .

"I got a thing about heights."

 _Oh blimey, love. Ain't_ you _in the wrong place. Nothing but ups and downs 'round here I'm afraid._

"Why couldn't you guys build this city on the ground?"

 _The . . . ground?_

On that's right, in her world everything was crossways and linear. Why would we want to do that? Right boring that would be.

But there she was, rough and tough and ready to fight Alice.

Frozen solid to that bloody ladder.

And us out in the wide open like sitting ducks.

 _Oh bloody hell, you are just gonna be a chore the entire time, ain't you?_

But short of tossing her over me shoulder . . .

 _Probably kick me in the bits anyway._

. . . and bodily dragging her away, there wasn't much I could do.

'Cause she was good and stuck.

Already falling down and away.

While standing shock still.

Still, I had to get her off that ladder so's we could keep movin'.

"Look at me."

She couldn't. She wasn't with me on the ledge anymore, she was already out there with the empty air and hungry gravity.

All alone.

And bleedin' all if I didn't feel me irritation melt away at the sight of her.

Lost. Helpless.

Alone.

"Alice."

And there they were. Those big, blue, beautiful eyes.

She needed me.

Didn't want to.

But needed me all the same.

I saw her fight everything inside her, weigh all her options. And find only one.

Me.

She didn't like it.

But I was all she had.

So she reached out and clutched me hand with her own cold, trembling, pale one.

 _Gotcha._

And I let me breath out and relaxed a little.

I had her. Held fast with me right sledgehammer.

She wasn't going to fall over the edge with me holding her with that.

She was safe.

I told her not to look down and she clung to those words, blue fabric'd chest heaving as she forced herself to breathe. Like she was finally getting air up here in a place that was nothing but with none at all for her.

Then I locked me eyes to hers. So big. So bright. So blue.

I had her. I wouldn't let her fall.

I started backing up, guiding her away from the edge of her fear.

Slowly, carefully.

I was her strength, her rock.

I carried her right off that ledge.

Just by looking her in the eyes.

And holding her hand.

* * *

 **A bit more going on there than you originally thought? Yeah, most things are like that. Bigger on the inside.**

 **Well, anyway, thanks to the encouragin' DinahRay for speakin' up and to Draco167 for adding your support t** **o this retelling.**


	4. Welcome to the Great Library

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Welcome to the Great Library

* * *

I guided her way over to an abandoned shack so she could press herself against the side, ground herself as far away from that deathly narrow ledge as she could get.

Which she did, releasing me hand (more quickly than I thought was really necessary, to be honest) and placed both palms on the peeling gray paint of the crumbling structure.

Head down, long hair hanging so her face was gone from me.

Breathing deeply and slowly, seemingly by sheer force of will.

I stood where I was, still and quiet.

And waited.

Long, ticking seconds.

Out in the wide open.

And let her breathe.

"You okay?"

She didn't move.

Didn't think she would answer either.

"Yeah. Just give me a minute."

Finally when I thought we might want to set up house for the forseeable future, she drew herself up with that iron backbone of hers.

"Thank you."

Her voice sounded genuine that time. Clear and strong.

She even looked me in the eyes when she said it too.

Those bright, blue, beautiful eyes.

"No problem."

She swept her straight dark hair back behind her and looked around, bearings appearing completely lost.

"Is it much further?"

I gestured.

"Yeah, a bit."

She chewed her lower lip, as if weighing the weakness in her next question.

"Are there any more of those?"

I didn't need to ask what.

"Yeah."

Her jaw clenched and she rubbed her fingers against her palms as she spoke again.

"Okay."

Took a deep breath and set her face to stone again.

"Let's go."

I nodded.

"Follow me. And stay close."

She did.

* * *

She didn't stop us anymore, I'll give her credit for that.

Just stayed on me heels and hand-over-handed all the narrow spaces set between us and the Great Library.

And finally we arrived at a door that looked just like all the others.

You would pass right by it if you didn't know which one it was.

I'd done so meself, many a time.

Back in the before time.

But I digress.

I banged on the door three times, summoning Duck.

I felt a bit sheepish trading rhyme back and forth with him as Alice looked on bemusement.

 _Oh darlin', you haven't seen anything yet. These poor sods are mad as a box of frogs, the lot of them._

But she held her poise, that tough little oyster.

In the face of Duck's haggered visage.

And his plummeting busavator.

Her alarm was evident when it descended though . . .

Oh yeah. Heights, falling.

. . . clutching the metal bars around the seat, blue eyes wide, body tense.

I stayed standing and tried to reassure her.

 _Oh bugger, may need a drought or two of Serenity when this whole thing's said and done. Still, hate to see you become a Teahead too. Shame that._

And after the second jolt, I welcomed her into the enormous lobby of the Great Library.

And the business end of a sawn-off shotgun.

 _Oh for crying out loud. You people are the worst welcoming committee ever, Owl._

She shoulda been somebody's dried up old great aunt, slipping you sweeties and knitting you itchy jumpers.

But this was Wonderland. Underground Wonderland.

And scrawny, pruny, old Owl took her job very seriously.

Even though she looked a right barmy sight with those pointy spectacles and tied up scarf.

I'd been here loads of times on supply runs and secret meetings.

Although not under the friendliest of circumstances always, I'll admit.

Still . . .

"Why don't we just put these things away. Come on, you know me well enough."

 _Scaring the oyster, you gits._

But they had their orders from Dodo.

And the only thing they were more scared of than the Queen herself was him.

And he had given his orders.

And they were _tense_.

Calling out me sledgehammer.

And me knowing Alice wasn't missing a thing, no. Not one thing.

With them making me look more suspicious than ever.

 _Oh come on, guys! Haven't I proven time and again that I am on your side?_

But I got through to them, yes, a'course I did.

Sorta.

What? I _was_ the Hatter after all.

Open. Charming.

Plus, they were quite fond of the little gifts I'd taken to bringing them.

For instance, the tiny lil' cheese wheels I currently had secured away on me person.

A bit stinky they were (apparently the more nasally offensive the cheese, the better the taste, how the bleedin' hell does _that_ make sense?) but I was glad I'd brought them.

If nothing more than to get those firearms pointing somewhere other than me own handsome mug.

Until Alice ruined it all by asking who the Queen of Hearts was.

 _Oh Jabberwock bollocks, Alice. Just couldn't keep your trap shut, could ya?_

And nearly got our heads blown off by the overly jumpy Owl.

If there's one thing'll raise all alarms in Wonderland, it's not knowing who the Queen of Hearts is.

And having to answer to it.

 _Funny story, that. Alice, care to shed some light? No? Ah well then . . ._

"She's led a sheltered life, that's all."

Even as dim as they were, Duck and Owl, they weren't buying it, no.

I mean, honestly, who would?

That cheese, though, yeah? Came in quite handy.

"Have you two not learned to trust me yet?"

And we were on our way again.

Well, _I_ was.

Alice, however could always be counted on to carry on with her own agenda.

Such as stopping to observe the poor lost souls taking refuge in the depths of the Great Library.

Such a vast space it was, with so many hiding places for so many frightened, distrusting people, that nobody really knew how many there were.

Many were sick. Some dying. Most just hungry and afraid.

I'd helped out there from time to time, doling out food and supplies.

And wandered alone, exploring the Book City and its treasure trove of lost tomes.

Art. Some of the most beautiful, enchanting images you're ever likely to see.

Literature. Words upon words somehow captured and arranged in captivating synchronicity of thought and inspiration.

Law.

 _Real_ law.

Not the Queen's random law thrown out to suit her purposes and changed on a fleeting whim.

But real Law.

Order. Fairness. Justice.

Sensibility.

You could lose yourself there in those twisting, winding halls and spaces.

And I had.

When Dodo had first brought me this secret place, I had wandered, for _days_ it seemed, in awe of what had been lost to the world of Wonderland.

And what wonders I had found.

Dodo had let me, watching with his beady black eyes.

Allowing me to absorb the fascinations that were at stake should the Queen of Hearts rein victorious over all, let those treasures tear down me walls of indifference and platitudeness.

Only then, at my weakest point, he had then taken me to meet the hollow eyed, wraithlike lost children of the Great Library.

They had asked for nothing, those silent children. Only looked up at me with searching, questioning eyes. Watching me.

I saw them in my mind now as I moved to stand beside Alice as she gazed out over the immediate expanse of the Great Library.

"Who are those poor people?"

So I told her.

About the Queen. About the Tea.

I was honest. Sincere.

"Wisdom's her biggest threat. She controls people with a quick fix."

And I could see.

Alice.

She cared.

Oh, how she cared.

* * *

 **Yep, that Alice. Passionate one, her. But more on that later.**

 **Thanks to DinahRay continuing to speak up. Lovely, you are.**


	5. Attack of the Flightless Git

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Attack of the Flightless Git

* * *

She's looking for her boyfriend. A Jack Chance."

"Chase," the not legend Alice by me side immediately corrected. "His name's Jack Chase."

 _Blimey, what's with this guy's name that I can't get?_

We stood side by side in the dimly lit study of the resistance leader they called Dodo.

Big, it was. And piled with books. Books everywhere.

Lamps, tables, a fancy rug.

He even had a tree.

A tree, can you imagine?

I thought I had it posh with the grass.

This bloody git had an entire _tree._

Okay, yeah, I was a touch jealous.

An entire bleedin' tree . . .

Never mind.

Anyway, he perched there in the shadows, remaining unseen and mysterious.

At least to Alice.

Me, I knew him well. Or at least well enough to know we were gonna be in it for the long stretch.

So anyway, there he was.

Protected as always by his loyal bodyguards, the wizened Owl and scarecrowesque Duck.

Bit of an annoyance, that. Being treated so suspiciously. I hadn't even done anything to warrant it.

Well, not _alot_.

Still, this was Wonderland after all. Alice's kids' book story. You couldn't be too careful.

And you definitely couldn't trust anybody.

But she did need help. And Dodo was just the one to see.

Or so I thought.

Apparently our opinions differed on that topic.

"And why would I want to help your Oyster?" He rumbled, finally making his dramatic appearance from the gloom.

"When you know that bringing her here puts us all to risk."

 _Ugh, you wanker. Everything we do, everyday for this cause, is a risk. Bloody hell._

And besides, really? I was the best smuggler he had. The nerve.

Now, since my crossover, Alice has shown me pictures of the extinct dodos of her world.

They got it pretty much right. The roundness. The waddliness. The long face and bulging eyes.

One thing they missed though. Never once did I see a chip so big on the shoulder of any one of those flightless birds.

Especially not the size of the one the man before us was dragging around.

Wonder he could even walk at all with the heft of it.

Trotted it out now for me unassuming companion to see.

And grinned, appearing more crocodilic than dodo-ish.

"You know what rankles most about bloodsucking . . .

 _Ewww, as if._

". . . carpet baggers . . ."

 _No, no carpet. Grass. I've got grass. You've got the carpet. I'm standing on it. With me muddy, muddy boots. Yeah._

". . . like you, Hatter? Your _gall_ . . ."

And he's off, ladies and gents. Running the tangent he's always on about.

Me. And me double allegiance to the Hearts and the Resistance.

And trophies. Nobody gave me any trophies. Nope. Just Teaheads. And hats.

Besides, if I didn't play the part, they wouldn't believe, would they? Nope. And that Queen, she and her Suits had a sharp eye. They'd catch you if you didn't play for all the teacups. So you really had to sell it and sell it well.

Which just happened to be my speciality.

But at least I didn't have Owl for a cohort, blindsiding me epic speech with machinations on kumquats.

Still, I didn't laugh or even crack a smile.

I was too busy getting a bit rankled meself what with Dodo's jabs of swan lives and leeches.

"Stop your crowin'," I cut in. "You know I'm on your side."

 _And you do too. You're just showing off. This oyster doesn't show any better so stow it, you git._

He didn't have to kiss any butts (metaphorically of course, thank me hat) and turn a blind eye while Teaheads groveled and begged for more Tea like sallow dogs before cruel masters.

So he could just bloody well shut it.

Apparently, Alice was just as fed up with him as I was, announcing her departure from this bloody cricket match as well.

And bleedin' all if that wasn't the flyswat Dodo needed to pay attention to her.

 _Nice play, love._

Even if he did shoot down this . . . Jeff, Jerry, Jack, that's it, _Jack's_ casino rescue just as quick as I had.

But his cowardice and lack of ambition . . .

 _Never beat the Queen with that attitude, mate._

. . . had me knickers in a twist that was for sure.

He was closer to the resources than meself yet wouldn't even lift a finger at the slightest whiff of possible peril.

And Alice. She was just an oyster. She needed help. She'd never find . . . well, whatever his name was, without some help.

But I had one more card to play.

Alice's sparkly, sparkly ring.

The one she didn't know I'd seen.

"She can pay you," I informed the enemy of my enemy. "And I want my usual cut up front."

What? I had to eat too, didn't I? And keep stocked with tea (still not Tea).

 _Annnd, baited._

Dodo's veiled eyes glinted at the thought of a new aquirement.

And felt good to see the need in his eye. And know I'd wretched control outta his pudgy lil hands.

"Show him the rock, Alice," I directed. "The ring on your finger."

 _Gonna get some results now, my little Oyster._

And of course, in the true Alice fashion I'd not yet learned to anticipate, she had a problem with me solution to her problem.

"That is off limits," she hissed.

 _Bloody hell, woman. You want . . . what's-his-name back or what? Talk about both sides of the court._

Dodo stormed over and yanked her hand up.

I have never seen that look in a Wonderlander's eyes before.

He went from slightly mad to completely over-the-cliff bleedin' barmy in the blink of an eye.

Immediately launching an inquisition at me little helpless oyster. Who wasn't so helpless and dug in her claws and shot him down.

 _What the hell, mate? It's just a sparkly._

Except it wasn't.

"Your Oyster is wearing the Stone of Wonderland!"

 _You're joking_.

Still, Dodo knew his antiquities.

I turned, unconsciously aligning meself with Dodo.

"Where did you get it, Alice?"

Was it possible she was an undercover for the resistance too? On a secret mission?

No surely not. She was too wide-eyed and lost for that. Not even Ches coulda pulled that off. Maybe. I think.

"Jack gave it to me."

 _Blimey, who is this bloke? And how'd he manage to nick it?_

Dodo snapped, yelling at her and my crazy little oyster yelled right back.

The things really started to come unhinged.

Before I knew it, I was standing between the pretty girl in a now dry dress and a terrified Owl with a trembling trigger finger.

I tried to slow to the escalating chain of events only to have Dodo add a pistol to the mix.

I knew things were getting dangerous.

I was in over my head, he was right about that.

But I wasn't about to back down.

Negotiating as fast as me mouth could run, I tried to keep me eyes on all the little pawns in play.

Alice didn't help, she was too bleedin' attached to that ring.

And all Dodo could see was a Queen-free, Oyster-free Wonderland.

All I could see was the barrel of his gun pointing at Alice.

"Justice, reason, and the rule of law!"

 _Yeah, mate, right after you shoot an innocent Oyster. Sure._

But he didn't shoot an innocent oyster.

He shot me.

The wanker.

* * *

 **Thanks to DinahRay and ThatGypsyWriter for those fantastic reviews! :)**


	6. Battles All 'Round

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Battles All 'Round

* * *

Alice may have shouted me name when the gun went off but I can't be sure. I was too busy getting blasted backwards by Dodo's surprisingly powerful handgun.

I think I sorta fell down the rabbit hole for a second.

Metaphorically speaking.

What I mean is, one moment I was wrapping me hand around that cold metal barrel, and the next, I was flat on me back in a jumble of old books.

Alice'd knocked down Dodo and the Duck and the Owl were all aflutter with shock and fear.

Me first shot was a warning and I really hoped I wouldn't actually have to _shoot_ the barmy git.

The resistance needed all the fighters it could get. Even ones so madly desperate as he. I mean, who was going to run The Great Library if not Dodo?

Owl? Duck? Not likely.

Me? Noooooope.

So all I knew was, I had to hold him off, keep him talking 'til she was well enough away.

Then I'd figure out me next step.

Wasn't easy to focus through all the pain lancing through me shoulder and chest.

Thanks to me bulletproof undershirt, I wasn't _technically_ shot, but there'd be a right ugly bruise there sooner rather than later.

Between blinking away the dancing spots behind me eyes, listening to Dodo threaten me very life . . .

 _Cheers, you thankless wanker._

. . . and checking to see if Alice had made it to the busalator, he got the drop on me and I hit the floor.

Again.

Ruddy blighter.

I struggled to me feet, gasping for air through me bruised chest and staggered out the door in pursuit of the murderous, flightless git.

I wasn't far behind. I mean, Dodo wasn't physically capable of moving _too_ fast.

Though he was doing fairly well considering his girth and all.

I tackled him in the hall as Alice stood in the busalator, frantically banging on the controls.

A big flaw in me brilliant plan there. Apparently, her world didn't have busalators. Or if they did, she hadn't been versed in their workings.

In other words, she couldn't make it go.

"It's the blue button!" I shouted, holding down Dodo down on the cranberry coloured carpet.

Shoulda never let him get up off it. Got me back bruised on the wall and me thumb jammed on the support column for me sloppiness.

Then he got past me sledgehammer and made me world go all loopy with a knee to the gut and a punch to the face.

 _Oh bugger_.

And there I was again for the third time in as many minutes, knocked stupid and bested by the fat Library man.

Shameful day, it was.

Though in my defense, he was in a right mad state.

And that kind of desperation makes one unpredictable.

And Dodo, well, I'd never seen nor heard tell of him attacking anyone ever, only talking them slowly to death.

So this fit came as quite a surprise.

Even knocked me _hat_ off.

But at least Alice had time and the wherewithal to escape.

Though I had no idea what she would do out there without friend or ally.

Oyster musta been changing me already, me thinking of her wellbeing instead of me own as Dodo attempted to rearrange me handsome mug with his fist.

Now, remember when I said Alice was a helpless little oyster?

Yeah, I was all kinds of wrong about that.

Insteada making good her escape from the madhouse the Library'd become, she came running back.

Kicking him in the face. Flipping him over like a pancake on a hot griddle.

And rescuing me.

Imagine that.

I barely had time to grab me hat before she was dragging me down the hall and throwing me into the busalator.

Blimey, she was strong.

And worried too.

About me.

Me.

"How bad is it?!"

Dodo's enraged bellow followed us up the busalator shaft as Alice's strong little fingers scrabbled at me shirt buttons.

Under other circumstances, I mighta quipped some suggestive banter . . .

 _Ah, already trying to get me shirt off, eh, love? Knew ya couldn't resist for long._

. . . or two but I was too busy trying to catch me breath and make sure all me facial arrangements were in order.

And maybe letting her worry over me. Just a little.

Hey, it's not like I didn't _deserve_ it.

I'd put meself in the line of fire for her.

Literally.

But then she discovered me secret.

"Body armour?! You're not even wounded!"

Jabberwork ballocks, you think she'd be _relieved_.

Not Alice.

She was furious.

She hit me.

 _Ahhh! Steady on!_

Yelled at me.

"You _lied_ to me!"

 _Which time?_

 _"_ I was trying to help you!" I attempted to counter from me dented spot on me back.

Her blue eyes iced me to the floor.

"By selling my ring!" she accused.

 _Blimey, woman, it's just a sparkly! Was. Not. Arrrgghh. . ._

And we were off again. Her angry and distrusting. Me in trouble. All because of circumstances I couldn't fully control.

"He almost killed me!"

 _Who's the bruised one here, love?_

"Well, he actually shot me!"

 _What the bleedin' hell, I_ _took a bullet for ya!_

But she didn't care. She was just flaming mad at being kept in the dark.

And wanted to know what the Stone of Wonderland was.

Out of fear of being stomped to death by those lil boots, I told her.

The Stone. The Knights. The Queen.

And posed me own question about dear old Jack.

"How'd he get hold of it?"

But instead of answering me, she just ran out and left me there, pummeled into paisleyed dust.

* * *

Now, you _could_ say Alice was upset with me .

You could also say the rotound Queen enjoyed her tarts.

Or Dormy had consciousness issues.

Or I liked cranial accessories.

Wouldn't really fully describe the situation though, would it?

Nope.

Because Alice was more than upset.

She was irate.

She was infuriated.

She was incensed.

I followed after her, watching as she tried try to find her way back the way we'd come but taking a wrong turn and nearly running herself off the side of yet another sudden ledge.

This one, thankfully though, had a nice big tree near it for her to cling to and so she did so now, running around it like a rat chasing cheese.

"Where do you think you're going? "

I advanced toward to her, hoping to calm her down without getting skewered again.

Dreaming, I was.

"Anywhere but here!" she declared, refusing to even look at me.

Oh, she just didn't understand Wonderland at all.

"There are no-go areas in this town," I informed her, trying to be sensible.

Whilst chasing her around said tree.

She continued to yammer, running 'round and 'round the bloody thing.

". . . this _place,_ you _people_ . . ."

Her 'story in a kids' book' was definitely freaking her out, that was for sure.

I meself had already been insulted, threatened, shot, and beaten for all me altruistic efforts and now I was fruitlessly chasing me dear old seething oyster around a bloody big tree.

A bit much of a day, even by Wonderland standards.

Wasn't even teatime yet.

So you can imagine me patience was starting to wear a bit thin.

"Listen, calm down," I encouraged, trying to do the same. "I'm going to try to get you home."

And I was. I really was.

I would take care of her, help her.

If I could only just get her out from around that bleedin' tree.

"Listen, could . . . could you just keep _still_?!"

Bloody maddening.

"Let me guess, " she attacked, pausing in her flight. "You're gonna want your usual cut up front?!"

 _Sigh. Spear me again, love. And this time, don't go so gentle._

Still, she wasn't wrong. I'd royally screwed up.

"Look, I don't blame you for being angry," I offered, trying to make peace. "I acted . . . impetously."

Inaccurate truths were a mistake with Alice. Her fire flared even hotter than ever.

"No, selfishly!" she corrected adamantly. "You acted _selfishly_!"

Always one for calling me out on me Bandersnatch droppings, was Alice.

 _Blimey, woman._

"Whatever . . . word you want to use," I relented, hoping I wasn't about to burst into flames with her ire. "Listen, let me make it up to you."

Bloody hell, when did I start begging oysters for _anything_? The tables had definitely turned when I wasn't looking.

"Alice," I continued, trying to quell her rage. "Wonderland is a dangerous place. Trust me, you're gonna need my help."

She, well, Alice wasn't dim in the head. She knew she didn't have much of a choice.

So she left the safety of her tree and went with me.

But you coulda roasted some of Charlie's borogove cutlets on the back of me head with the heat of her distrusting glare.

* * *

 **Ah, yes, the first of many such tempered arguements with Alice. And Wonderland has no headache medicine.**

 **Thank you, lovely DinahRay, for always taking the time to speak up. :)**


	7. Chocolate and Cream Cake

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Chocolate and Cream Cake (Amongst Other Topics)

* * *

I will say this for Alice.

She didn't believe in holding silent grudges.

Nope. Talked all the way to me Teashoppe.

And I had taken the long way round.

The Great Library. The Queen. Dodo. Jack. Wonderland.

Good thing I was beginning to enjoy the sound of her voice.

And the fact that she wasn't arguing with me helped too, to be honest.

For a while anyway.

But as with Alice and me and our time in Wonderland, the wheel always turned round again.

Me explaining about the Looking Glass. Her dissatisfied all over again.

"I've got to find Jack first."

 _Stubborn oyster. Aren't you listening?_

But she wasn't, clearly. Too busy talking on about Jack.

" . . . not a thief . . ."

 _Sweetheart, the Queen doesn't hand out the ring like candy flowers._

". . . sweep me off my feet . . ."

 _Don't you have brooms in your world for that sorta thing?_

". . . pile of trouble . . ."

 _Oh love, you have absolutely no idea._

" . . . home safe."

 _Sorry to say those words don't really make sense in me head, Alice. Never heard 'em together before._

 _Still, it begs the question . . ._

"How did he get hold of it?"

Boy, she did not like me questioning her perfect lil boyfriend, that was for sure.

Skirted clear 'round me, still hand over handing anything she could to keep grounded on the ledge.

And grounded in her delusions.

Could she not see something was fishy 'bout this Jack?

I could but she didn't trust me yet. Only him.

And she was willing to do anything for him.

" . . . I'm the only one who can get him out of this mess."

 _Really? No real knowledge of Wonderland, no contacts, she doesn't even know where the Looking Glass is._

Bleedin' mad, she was.

"How you figure that out?" I quiered, dumbfounded.

And her plan just got worse.

Negotiating with the Queen for the ring in exchange for Jack.

 _Perfectly brilliant way to get yourself killed, love._

So I tried to reason with her. For not the first of many times.

"You have to cut your losses. You get the hell outta here while you still can."

And for the first of many times, I failed.

". . . can't abandon him . . . innocent . . . I like him . . ."

 _Oh for crying out loud._

 _She_ likes _him._

 _Sigh._

I liked lotsa things.

Tea (still not Tea, thanks very much).

Hats.

Alice's pretty head attached to her neck.

And mine as well.

But here she was planning on going up against the Queen of Hearts herself all because she _liked_ him.

Bloody maddening.

But then she thought _I_ was the crazy one.

I was gonna let it go, I truly was.

 _Just walk around her, mate. Shut ya mouth and keep going._

I tried.

"Alot!" she emphasized from behind me.

And I just couldn't do it.

"Trust me," I said, turning around to face her insanity head on. "I know a thing or two about liking people . . ."

 _Oh yeah, my fair share of the ladies. And none of them quite as barmy as you, love._

". . . and in time, after much chocolate and cream cake . . ."

And Tea, lotsa Tea. Yeah, I said 'Tea'.

". . . 'like' turns into 'what was his name again?'."

Opening up to her. A story there was in that.

And reason. Which she ignored of course.

Because it seemed she had her own story.

". . . have a bad record with liking guys . . ."

 _Ppfftt, really?_

"There's a shock," I snarked.

I couldn't help it. Lil Miss Ice Queen Oyster. No doubt she wasn't the most even girl back in her world. Any guy who'd stay with her probably got beaten black and blue on regular occasion.

Besides, we were talking life and death here, not romps through strawberry fields.

I kept walking as she yammered on behind me.

If I had been listening closer, I might've noticed she sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than me.

But something had caught me eye.

Something not good.

Most definitely not good.

"Stay close."

We'd managed to make it all the way back me Tea shoppe.

Me sanctuary. Me safe haven.

We'd load up with supplies, may be have a spot of tea.

A change o' clothes, salve for me bullet bruised shoulder.

Get a game plan together. Recruite some friends. Or at least some people who owed me a favor.

Yep, time for a breath -

 _Oh Jabberwock ballocks._

Suits.

Suits all over me tea shoppe.

Interrogatin' me clientele and tossin' them off the edge if they didn't like their answers.

Not good.

They even had Ratty out there too. Obvious he was spilling his grimy lil guts.

If I ever made it back into his presence, we were gonna have to a good long talk.

Using words like "loyalty" and "silence".

But for now, me and Alice were stuck.

Because if they were outside, they were definitely inside.

Then they were everywhere.

That's the thing about the Suits and their cohorts. Suspicious of locked doors they were. So if you wanted to play their game, really play it right, that meant no locked doors.

No secrets.

Except in your own head.

And even that was negotiable.

So I was well and completely screwed.

If there was only a way to contact Dor-

 _Oh no._

 _Wasn't._

 _Couldn't be._

 _But . . . he's dead._

I know, I'd been there when his head came clean off.

Wasn't me, I swear.

But now, that creature striding purposefully toward us, that was him.

I recognize that turtleneck anywhere.

All except for the rabbit head.

That I wasn't expecting.

 _What the hell?_

* * *

I was absolutely certain of just one very, very important thing right then.

We needed to run.

Immediately.

So we did.

I led the way for most of it, not out of cowardice though me heart was pounding like a runaway drum.

But because I knew the quickest way to save our skins.

And Alice impressed me by keeping right up, despite being in a dress and having to run in those ridiculous little boots.

I tried to keep a hand on her as much as possible. Feeling uncharacteristically protective, I was.

And so hacked with fear I thought we'd never make it to . . .

"Down here! Me smuggling boat!"

We clamored aboard and Alice made herself useful by untying the grounding rope while I grabbed the outboard quickstart.

Nothing.

"Hang on, there's a knack to this."

Again.

Nothing.

 _Bloody piece of -_

Again.

Nothing.

"Which apparently I've never learned."

 _Way to impress her, you git._

I gave up and jumped into the pilot's seat, twisting the key nearly in two.

I yelled and banged on the dashboard, as if that ever did anything, but I was in a desperate state for sure.

But something worked and we were away, just in time too.

There came the rabbit head atop Mad March's body and an entire squad of Suits with them.

That we left on shore.

* * *

Many a day I've leisurely cruised the lake.

Out in the open.

As if nothing could be finer than a self made man enjoying the spoils of Hearts' servitude.

Many a day I've snuck the waterways with supplies for the refugees hidden away in the Great Library.

Never before had I fled from a creature with the body of a man and head of a porcelain rabbit.

Twas wrapping up to be a legendary day.

Alice sat next to me, prim and proper and lovely.

If I coulda squinted up me nose and employed some heavy amnesia to the situation, I mighta thought this was just a friendly jaunt across the lake. With some romantic possibilities on the horizon per'aps.

Except there was a squad of goons chasing somewhere behind us.

And their leader was a bloke with a rabbit head for a head, mate.

You might understand how I could be a bit shaken up.

So when Alice inquired as to the whereabouts of the casino, I was understandably frustrated.

 _Blimey, woman, you're more persistent than me worst Teaheads._

Still, there was one shot.

A long one.

The White Rabbit.

Quite a different kettle of onions, they were.

Been known to take bribes in the past. Particularly good ones.

And I had a certain shiny one in mind.

But I wasn't ready quite to tell Alice.

We'd only just finished our last fight.

Thought we might take a breather before the next one.

And as I was running me mouth, of course clever Alice latched on to the one thing that fell out of me mouth that I wish she hadn't.

The 'we'.

I didn't like being vulnerable. Vulnerability isn't quite the attractive quality in Wonderland as it is in your world.

It gets you killed. Or at the very least, wounded.

I was wounded enough already.

But she and those eyes with the lake water sparkling off them had me.

And I found meself doing that thing again.

That honesty thing. That vulnerability thing.

"My shop was ransacked. I'm homeless. I'm a target now only for the Suits but for the resistance as well."

 _All cause of you, love. Not sure yet how I feel about that part._

"There's only so many places in Wonderland I can hide."

 _Other end of this lake is a start. Hope you can climb a tree in that lil dress._

"I've only got one option."

 _And I don't like it anymore than you will, trust me._

"Which is?" she pressed.

I gritted me teeth and said it.

"Go back home with you to your world."

She turned and looked at me and I couldn't look back.

She didn't want me there. Not with her and dear old Jack. And I didn't want to be not wanted by anybody.

But especially at that very moment, her.

I couldn't explain why at the time. I'd be able to later.

 _Not a word, love, or I swear I'll drown meself in the lake._

But anymore unwelcome pursuit of that topic was interrupted by the Suits.

It was one of the only times I was happy to see them.

 _More talk later then, yeah?_

"Before we do anything, we have to shake that royal flush."

 _And give me more time to think._

* * *

 **All the appreciation in the worlds to sweet DinahRay.**


	8. I Spy with My Little Eye a Jabberwock

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

I Spy with My Little Eye a Jabberwock

* * *

Now to understand, I'm not what you'd exactly call an outdoorsman.

I like me, whaddaya call 'em, creature comforts. Walls and ceilings and floors and electric lights and a steaming cuppa at me side.

But with the city a hot teacup of eyes and ears for, well everybody who wanted a piece of me hide, I couldn't stay in sight.

Too keen on keepin' me own skin attached, I guess you could say.

And hers.

So I bought all the time I could, clumsily hiding the boat.

Knowing that they'd find it no doubt. Especially with Mad March in the lead.

He had, well, _used_ to have before the rabbit head thing, quite a nose for blood. And he knew how to use it.

No one escaped his detection once he latched on the hunt.

And he was absolutely ruthless, didn't care about anyone or anything.

That's why he was the Queen's favorite assassin.

But he hadn't always been such. Not when we were kids.

But I digress.

I knew he was coming for us, you see. Knew he'd never stop, that I could never beat him.

Yeah, he was that good.

I was just stalling for time, honestly.

I knew it.

She suspected it, I think.

Stalling, stalling.

Keeping just enough ahead to stay alive.

Right up until _he_ walked up and took her away from me.

And I let him.

But more on that later.

For now, the Jabberwock.

I could see it in her eyes when I told her about it.

That it just couldn't be real.

 _I know, I know, I wish the same thing, love._

Because it surely defied imagination, that monstrosity.

But it was real.

And it almost ate her up.

But first I had to convince her to follow me.

By telling her me plan.

"Lead 'em into a trap."

Was the only thing that got her to _move_.

Speaking of moving, icy little Alice warmed up and got downright handsey for a bit there.

Coupla Jabberwork roars and she was grabbing me arm in fright, pressing hard with her thin lil fingers through the soft leather.

 _Yeah, well, could you hold_ me _, love? I'm feeling a bit nervous meself._

Then demanding I tell her what it was.

 _Big. Googly eyes. Lotsa teeth. You'll see._

And of course, yelling at me, arguing again.

" _That's_ your plan?"

As if she had anything better to offer.

"If you don't . . ."

And there it was, stomping around and roaring its lungs out at us.

And her not even up a tree yet.

 _Love, I swear I'm gonna give ya such a pinch if you don't shut it and get moving!_

Nope, not Alice.

Shoulda been touched she cared enough to stop and argue.

But I was sorta focused on us, you know, _not_ getting all eaten up.

So I didn't really take notice.

Well, not much.

I _told_ her to run, yes, I did.

I just didn't tell her which direction to run _in_.

Assumed she would follow me.

Forgot (probably causa all the roarin') she never followed anybody's direction but her own.

So I was downright panicked to see her heading off in the wrong direction (never a head for direction, my Alice. Never have, never will. Thank tea for GPS in this world) with the Jabberwork stomping after her insteada me.

"Not that way!"

 _Oh for crying out loud, can_ nothing _go in me favor today?!_

"ALICE!"

I chased after her, after them.

That's right. I went mad as a box of frogs and chased after a bleedin' _Jabberwock_.

She couldn't possibly outrun that thing in those lil boots of hers.

She'd fall, snap an ankle, something. And then if she managed not get gobbled up by the roarin' ol' beast, I'd have to carry her all the way back to the Looking Glass and into the arms of her dear perfect boyfriend, Jack.

With her yelling on about this or that and clouting me about the face with me very own hat every step of the way, no doubt.

Things were definitely not looking up.

They got a fair piece through the woods before I caught up with them.

By some bleedin' miracle, Alice had fallen, yeah, but was just out of reach from the Jabberwock.

Who was not only dumb enough to chase the wrong yummy meatbait but also dumb enough to not be able to reverse outta a double tree neck pinch.

Stupid blighter.

Didn't feel sorry enough for it to _not_ to punch it in the snout with me sledgehammer though.

Me big clunky boots slid on the forest floor and I nearly pitched face first down upon arrival.

Woulda been a bit embarrassin' but somehow I stuck the landing next to Alice.

Geared up and really put all I had into it.

Socked it right in the nose and it howled something fierce.

As I grabbed Alice up by the arm and took off again.

We ran full out several meters.

 _Blimey, now_ I'm _not sure where we are . . ._

Only to fall face first . . .

 _Another rabbit hole, really . . ._

. . . into a pit filled with sharpened tree branches . . .

 _Who's lucky now, Dodo, didn't spear meself on a one . . ._

. . . and landing on me back . . .

 _Funny, don't remember turning . . ._

. . . at the bottom.

 _Oooh, me spleen . . ._

Alice lay silent and still beside me as the Jabberwock roared its way into our new home and tried to eat us up.

Punctured itself in the mouth for its troubles luckily and stomped away.

 _Hey, I didn't black out. Or wet meself. Dunno, day might be looking up after all._

But then . . .

"Vermin! Saboteurs! Anarchists!"

 _What. The. Hell._

* * *

 **As always, mad props, as they say , to the wonderful DinahRay!**


	9. Hello, Charlie

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Hello, Charlie

* * *

Crazy, yelling, mad fool he was.

Couldn't even decipher what he was blathering on about half the time.

But at least he got us out of the hole.

Though it did occur to me more than once to toss him down in it.

If nothing more than to make good me own getaway from the sound of his warbling madness.

Even if we did make up all right in the end.

But still, Sir Charles Eustace Fotheringhay Le Malvoy the Third can be quite alot to take in on first sight.

Especially all at once.

Especially when he's so keyed up.

Alice said it was like he'd had too much java.

I didn't know what that was at the time, but I figured if it made blokes like Charlie, I didn't want any part of it. Still haven't tried it.

You may think I'm being unfair to the poor sod, what with everything he'd been through.

But don't let Alice fool you. She didn't like him any better than me upon first introductions.

"Who the hell _are_ you?"

Oh Charlie, bless his mad little heart, the man _wanted_ to be dignified.

If weren't for that unfortunate hole in front of us he stumbled into.

And his clangy, mishapened armour.

And curlied mustached-beard combo.

And bizarre inventions.

And Black Art dabbling.

And well, _him._

At least then.

Oh, as if Ratty's glee over finding 'The Alice' hadn't been enough, Charlie went right ahead and took it to a whole other level.

"Just . . . Alice."

Even though she did disappoint him initially.

"Awww . . ."

And me, well, I was just trying to figure it all out.

"I thought all you guys were wiped out years ago."

Yeah, good guess he didn't like me much.

"Well, you thought wrong! As you can see, I'm as fit as a butcher's dog!"

 _Huh. You don't say_.

I didn't trust him as far as I could toss me rotund ex-ally the Dodo.

Which, despite me sledgehammer, wasn't far at all.

And me trust of him didn't get any better when he started up again.

Especially when he flipped out all over me regarding of the pit.

"Let me tell you something, _Nugface_!"

I wasn't really worried for meself. Figured if I had to, I could punch him in the escutcheon with me sledgehammer and make haste away.

I was concerned about Alice.

She'd probably try to _reason_ with him.

Though it was a bit difficult to get a word in edgewise what with his ranting.

". . . put on a few years . . . crafty . . . all sorts of things . . . beehive mouse trap . . . gravity assisted snare . . ."

Third attempt.

 _Oh blimey, this poor sod's been out here for decades alone just digging holes in the ground like a deranged warthog, hadn't he? Bloody hell._

Still, it didn't change the fact that . . .

"He's mad as a box of frogs," I informed a rather verbally stunned Alice.

Who for once seemed to be agreeing with me wholeheartedly.

Then turned back to the barmy fellow . . .

"How the hell have you survived?"

. . . but he'd wandered away. Physically. Mentally.

"Hmm?" the madman aimlessly intoned, seeming to return to the forest from the . . . forest? "Oh, yes. I'm a knight."

Yep, he was straight off his rocker, him.

Knight.

 _Right._

Inventor.

 _Sure._

Black art dabbler.

 _Pardon?_

"Soothsayings . . . toenail readings. . ."

 _Ewwww, mate, no. Just no._

I glanced at Alice, desperately searching for a familiar presence amongst this rising madness.

Her lovely, pale face was priceless.

Hard to tell if she was concerned, disturbed, or teetering on the edge of laughter.

Maybe all three.

Then Charlie grabbed her hand.

Her _left_ hand.

 _Bugger._

And he knew what it was.

The man was around the mushroom barmy but he still recognized the Stone of Wonderland straight away.

"Our ring . . ."

 _Oh blimey, here we go again._

"Don't get too excited, Grandad. The ring stays on the lady's finger, okay?"

Change of song from me, yeah I know.

But I needn't have worried. He wasn't Dodo. He didn't start yelling or attacking her.

No, he just sorta . . . puddled outa me grasp and slouched on the ground.

Praying.

Or celebrating.

Or something.

And that was all I had for that.

"Okayyyyy. We need to get away from him before he gets us killed."

And with the crazy blighter on the ground, a deadly rabbit headed assassin chasing us, and the most important piece of kit in all of Wonderland on the finger of an Oyster, it finally happened.

The burgeoning bond of two semi-reasonable people against all the mad ones snapped like a magical thread.

Because Alice, my opinionated little Oyster, disagreed with me.

Again.

"Maybe he can help us."

I glanced at the geriatric nutter warbling on the forest floor before us.

 _Uh, yeah, no._

I tried to talk sense into her.

Again.

And she ignored it.

Again.

Seemed to be a pattern with us.

 _Would it kill ya to listen to me just once, woman?_

But there she was . . .

"Listen, Charlie . . ."

 _Charlie?_

. . . begging the help of a man who built mousetraps outta beehives or some such thing.

And just as I coulda predicted, had she given a second's pause for me, he just kept right on warbling.

". . . cosmic ray of hope . . ."

 _Alright, you looney little Oyster. Whaddya make of that?_

"He might be nuts . . ."

 _What was your first clue?_

". . . and a hundred and fifty years old . . ."

 _Yep._

". . . and dressed like a car crash . . ."

 _Exactly. Uh, what's a car? Wait, I know this one . . ._

". . . but he's a survivor."

 _Only 'cause nobody but us are mad enough to get this close to him! Bet even the Jabberwock runs off!_

"And I'm not deaf!"

 _Oh, hello. Welcome back._

The Noble and Dignified White Knight . . .

 _Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, uh-huh . . ._

. . . and Guardian of the Curtsey . . .

 _?!_

. . . resumed his mostly upright position and offered to escort Alice . . .

". . . and . . . vassal . . ."

 _What the hell?_

. . . to what he obviously thought was a safe place.

 _Huzzah._

Then he made a most noble and dignified bow to her.

And threw out his back.

 _Sigh. Almost made it, didn't ya, mate?_

"Good-o."

 _Right._

* * *

 **Thanks to my dear DinahRay and welcome back and thanks to HardfacedQueenofMisadventure for your reviews!**

 **Also, thanks very much to writeinspiredraw for adding your support to this tale as well.**


	10. Equine Considerations

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Equine Considerations

* * *

"Just Alice, please allow me to offer you Guinevere . . ."

 _I dunno, mate, she seems more like a 'Dot' to me, don't you think?_

". . . for your journey to the Kingdom of the Knights. She is a noble and valiant steed and will serve you well."

She didn't look very noble. Or valiant.

She just looked like a bored horse.

But then again, it didn't matter what was in _my_ head.

Charlie wasn't offering the docile chestnut to me, no.

Not the . . . ahem, _vassal_.

He was offering it to Alice.

Who looked a little strickened and slightly embarrassed.

"Oh, uh, I, uh, don't know how to, um . . ."

 _Oh, look at_ that. _Something the brave and mighty Oyster can't do. Besides traverse heights. And give up pointless quests. And stop arguing with me._

"It's okay. I can," I announced, stepping up into the stirrups and settling meself in the worn leather saddle.

"Oi, Vassal!" Charlie stammered, apparently aghasted at me assumptive nature. "That is not _your_ steed!"

I took a deep breath to calm meself and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Charlie, remember those bad guys Alice mentioned? Well, we gotta get moving or they'll be on us in no time."

Charlie's bulging eyes twitched around in immediate alert.

"You don't want 'em hurting Alice . . ."

At this Alice balked and started to stammer out no doubt how _wrong_ I was and how _insulted_ she was and how she take 'em all down with a single booted kick, but I waved her silent, concentrating on Charlie.

". . . and stealing the ring, do ya?"

He grunted, nodded his grudging assent, and started clamoring up onto his own white . . .

 _Blimey, what is that? Is that_ paint _?_

. . . horse.

I eyed him skeptically, worried he would pop a hip and be even less useful to us.

But he made it (though I don't know how) and looked back at us expectantly.

Alice was still on the ground looking back and forth between the two of us.

As if trying to decide between codfish liver oil and moldy walrus surprise.

Charlie lifted his chin triumphantly at me before grandly addressing the grounded Oyster.

"Just Alice! You may, of course, ride with me. 'Twould be my honor."

The intended stood rooted to the ground, clearly trying to hide her dismay.

"Come now, my dear. I assure you there is no safer place in all the realm than by my . . ."

Then the horse stamped its foot and the old codger nearly toppled headfirst into the nearby greenry.

Causing me to start and nearly laugh at the same time. While me Oyster bit her lip in despair and looked once more in me direction.

I couldn't help it. I shrugged, grinned a lopsided dimple at her, and opened me snarky mouth.

"Oh yeah, be my guest, love. But watch his hands, yeah? That escutcheon too."

She huffed, glaring a hole through me skull again.

I chuckled, unhooked a foot from the stirrup, and held out me hand.

"Come on then."

And that's how Just Alice the Oyster ended up riding through Wonderland's Forest of Wabe astride the White Knight's mare Guinevere while stubbornly _not_ clinging to the back of a hunted Teashoppe owner with an affinity for hats.

* * *

I must admit, I quite enjoyed the ride to the Kingdom of the Knights.

Birds singing in the evergreen trees. Butterflies flitting around the giant white mushrooms.

And a certain lovely Oyster pretending she wasn't bruising her undercarriage on the bumpy backend of me horse.

Quiet and peaceful.

Sorta.

"Heyyyyy, nonny nonny . . ."

Well, there was _that_.

But he was ahead of us. Grandly leading the way of course.

And it provided a certain bizarre, Wonderlandish ambience to the entire experience.

Plus I had to give him credit.

That net trailing behind us was a complete marvel.

Worked on everything.

No tracks left at all, no trace of our passage in any way.

Wouldn't be enough to stop Mad March but . . .

"Maybe Senile Sam does have a trick or two up his . . .escutcheon," I quipped to Alice.

And oh, wonder of wonders, she _smiled_!

At _me_!

On _purpose_!

Well, maybe I exaggerate. She didn't exactly _beam_.

But . . . smirked. At me funny.

 _Oh hell, I'll take it._

I'd made her smile.

And me made me happy and warm.

Oh stop _grinning_.

I wasn't in _love_ with her. Not yet. Just . . . glad she wasn't arguing with me. Or yelling. Or shooting daggers through me with those beautiful, blue eyes.

It was . . . nice.

 _See, love, I'm not such a bad guy. I'm nice. I care._

Speaking of which . . .

"Are you comfy?"

No, of course she wasn't. Why would she be?

But I had a solution. A good one. A _reasonable_ one, if you will.

"Well, you just lean forward and put your arms around me waist and let my body take the weight."

 _Dare ya._

"Yeah, I'm good!"

 _Heh heh._

* * *

 **Oh stop shaking your head at me like that, DinahRay, I said I wasn't such a bad guy. I never said I didn't like a spot of fun now and again. ;)**

 **And thanks for still being here. :)**


	11. In the House of the Red King

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

In the House of the Red King

* * *

It must've been such a majestic place in its time.

Beautiful. Sprawling.

A place of justice, fairness, and nobility.

What was left told that story, true enough.

Those towering monoliths. Still mostly marble white, stubbornly withstanding the unrelenting march of decay and decline.

It also told the story of how cruel and destructive the reign of the Queen of Hearts really was.

That place like this, a peaceful and secure stronghold, could be laid low so completely and permanently.

There was nothing left but ruins.

And Charlie. Obviously scarred and in his own state of ruin from the looks of him.

And the Red King.

Seeing him chilled me.

He had been left upon his throne.

Skeletal now, tarnished armour and noble crown hanging off his whitening bones.

The grinning skull.

As if it knew the shame of the madness of the White Knight, left alone in the abandoned forest to waste away as a sober remainder of what had been.

A story there was in that.

And I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it.

All this loss.

All because . . .

"The Queen only wanted to feel the good, not the bad."

Now at that time, Alice might've said I'm not privy to serious and deep thoughts.

What with all me jokin' and snarkin' and general playfulness.

But I'm just as likely to spend hours deep in bleak consideration and grim notions as anyone.

Me humour, me whimsy, me cocksure and brash attitude.

That's a part of me too. Me defense. A way to hold back the darkness and keep it from engulfing me completely.

Plus, sometimes it's just fun to say and do the unexpected.

Just because you can.

And nobody can stop you.

But I wasn't going to impart any of that personal knowledge onto her yet, no.

I kept that close to the vest for just a while longer.

Because I had bigger walruses to bake just then.

Like how I was going to figure a way to convince Alice to give me the ring so I could get her back home and then help save Wonderland.

Overthrow the Queen once for all and give the people back their dignity and hope.

Alice made me want that, even more so than I had before.

Because for all of her frustrations, I admired what she had that so few of the rest of us had.

Dignity. And hope.

* * *

I have rarely listened harder or with more intensity than when me independent little Oyster took off into the Forest of Wabe by herself.

It was dark.

Rabbit headed blokes were chasing us.

And there was a Jabberwock.

It just wasn't _safe._

I tried to go with her.

"No thanks. I'm good."

She was crazy.

"But there's . . ."

"No."

"And March's . . ."

"No."

"Why are you being so diffi-"

Charlie bellowed out from near the . . . thing he was slow roasting on a spit over the fire.

"Careful to gather the proper leaves, Alice! Nothing worse than an itchy backside in the dark! And I should know!"

Her blue eyes were thankfully lost in shadows as she looked back to me.

 _Oh._

"Well, careful where you place your feet then, yeah? Off you trot."

And she went.

I watched her fade into the shadows, me ears on fire with embarrassment.

 _Way to go, you hatted wanker._

Thought she'd never come back.

I tapped me fingers.

Listed me most favorite tea flavors.

Listed me most hated Tea flavors.

And of course, listened to Charlie warble quietly to himself.

"Heyyyy, nonny nonny . . ."

 _Does he even know he's doing it?_

Still, if I were trapped out here for decades alone with nobody but the Red King for company, no telling what I'd do either.

I ignored the chill skittering up me spine and waited (im)patiently for Alice to return.

* * *

When she finally did . . .

"Ah, perfect timing, Just Alice! Dinner is served!"

. . . we sat down around the fire to eat.

I was somewhat . . . tentative to say the least.

Charlie'd just appeared with the meat. And he hadn't proven to be the most reliable of blokes so far. What with him being a bit mad and all.

So I wasn't too sure.

But didn't seemed to be inedible.

On the contrary, it was quite nice.

A little gamey maybe.

But nice.

And there was plenty to go 'round.

Still, it begged the question . . .

"Mmmm, that was good, Charlie. What was it?"

I grinned at her. Alice, the occasionally snooty oyster, had trustfully polished off her entire portion.

And was now holding what looked to be a large bare rib bone.

And Charlie, well, he had stood close by in his slightly soiled, holey long underwear, munching a little bit here and there, tending the crackling fire along the way.

But mostly just gazing at us, a strange little smile on his craggy, curly mustached-bearded face.

It made me uncomfortable at first.

But then I thought I understood.

Company.

Other living people.

Not just that creepy, grinning skull in the flickering light.

And I felt a little sad for him.

He animated again now at her inquiry.

"Ah, barbequed borogove," he replied with a bit of pride. "They're the devil to catch but well worth the trouble, don't you think?"

I grinned at him, Sir Charles Eustace Fotheringhay Le Malvoy the Third , Forest of Wabe Culinary Connisseur.

White Knight.

Inventor.

Dabbler of Black Arts.

And Guardian of the Curtsey, of course.

He was starting to grow me, I think, despite meself.

He just so . . . happy and delighted to be around people.

Us.

Well, her.

Alice took it all in stride much more easily than I suspected she would have if it were me proclaiming all this stuff.

"When in Rome," she replied vaguely, putting down her food remnants.

 _Uh, what's a 'rome'?_

Didn't seem to concern Charlie much. He muttered a by your leave and wandered off, presumably on the same type of mission Alice had persued earlier.

It was another nice, quiet little moment. This one filled with nightbug sounds and flickering firelight.

And well, peace.

But of course, now that the formal dining had concluded, it was right back to brass tacks for Alice and me.

I waved at the peacefulness as it headed off into the woods to perhaps meet up with a certain sore mouthed Jabberwock dreaming of gobbling up booted Oysters and their hatted escorts.

And focused in on Alice.

I'd had time to think, regroup.

And I was going to make this work.

I was going to listen to her.

And make her listen me.

"What I want to know is how are we going to cut a deal with the White Rabbit?" she began.

Ah yes, one of many of me shaky, half formed plans.

"Is it really possible?"

 _Probably not. But . . ._

"I know a girl."

Ah yes. Carlotta, Carlotta.

I've written of her before, buxom and bold and brave Carlotta.

Always makes me smile.

Not so with Alice.

Not then. Not now. Not ever.

At her resumed skeptical scrutiny, I dropped me smirk and busied meself with moving around the quieted camp.

"I did say it was a long shot," I admitted. "But as long as you've got that ring, you've got a chance."

Blimey, Alice was perceptive. I've seen anteater tongues on your National Geographic with slower reaction times than her.

"'You'?" She cut in instantly. " What happened to 'we'?"

 _Ah, love, dreams are just that sometimes. Dreams. Didn't your children's stories teach you that?_

"I have to stay and fight."

She didn't like it.

And immediately launched her counter attack.

Questioning.

Arguing.

Tearing holes in me theories.

"Didn't that Dodo guy say he was going to have you hunted down and killed?"

 _Meh_.

Plus . . .

"If I turn up with the ring, he might forgive me."

It was as if I'd taken a punch at her. Her hurt. Realization that I was backing out, failing her again.

"So that's what this is about."

Her focus was so narrow, so absolute, she couldn't see the things going on that were bigger than just us.

"Don't worry, I'll get you home safe and sound first."

Bigger than her.

"And Jack?"

Tea forbid, bigger than even precious Jack.

Almost whispered those words were.

Because she'd already worked out the answer for herself.

But those iced blue eyes staring straight through me. They were going to make me say it.

Now here's the thing. I hadn't really started out me aquaintanceship with Alice on the most honest of terms.

In fact, I'd been a downright shady, lying, conniving wanker at times.

For what I told meself was for her best interests.

And me own.

But somewhere along the line, I'd somewhat subconsciously decided I was going to start being truthful with her.

"You have to forget about Jack."

Which would probably just warrant me a kick in the teeth.

But there it was anyway.

She would die, be captured, never get home.

I tried to tell her. I did.

It didn't matter.

She didn't care.

Bloody maddening suicidal little Oyster.

All because . . .

" Jack's a lucky guy."

God, she was beautiful, sitting there in the firelight.

So determined. So absolute.

Had I ever, in me entire miserable life, had anyone who cared for me an _iota_ of how much she'd convinced herself she cared for this Jack?

The answer, me gentle readers, is quite simple.

No.

Me 'friends'.

Oh, they'd cluck their tongues and shake their heads.

 _Poor Hatter_ , they'd say. _Such a loss. Always good for a laugh, that one. But you know the Casino. Nothing for it, yeah?_

And that'd be it.

Me customers, well, even less so. Plenty of ways to obtain Tea in Wonderland. Queen saw to that.

And the Resistance, so tightknit and loyal, as they'd already proven. Probably celebrate by dancing the Futterwacken on all me hats.

No, not one person cared for me a smidge so much as this ironbacked little Oyster cared for her Jack.

She'd die to get him back.

And she would too, if I didn't find some way to stop her. Or help her. Or both.

Me thoughts and feelings were a mess and I was bone tired.

I need to get away from her eyes drilling holes through me brain.

And her disdain of me, so thick and cloying. Like too much jam on toast.

I needed to get away from the burning fire inside her.

Just for a bit.

Just long enough to regroup again.

And then . . .

"We can . . . argue about this tomorrow, yeah?"

'Cause that's all we did, I figured. Run and fight and argue.

I turned away, slicked off me hat, and let the darkness swallow me up.

Just for a little while.

Just so I could clear me head and quit me heart from hurting.

 _Bugger, I could use some Tea._

Yeah, you heard me.

But there wasn't any.

Not one damn drop in the whole Forest of Wabe.

Or chocolate and cream cake for that matter.

For the best, I guess.

Wouldn't have been too pretty a sight.

Not at all.

* * *

 **See, lovelies, me thoughts aren't all teas and jollies and hats. Not entirely.**

 **Well, anyway, thanks me darlin' DinahRay. Needin' a breather yet, are we?**


	12. Sentry Duty

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Sentry Duty

* * *

When I returned from me walk around, the camp was quiet and still.

Charlie was off asleep, still nonnying away between snores and such.

Alice, worn out from her fireside glaring, had retired to the questionable bed frame and lumpy mattress and lay still upon it.

Asleep I guessed.

I wanted to keep watch over her, make sure she was okay. Charlie'd mentioned something about an early warning system, but I didn't trust it.

I wanted to be there, even if she didn't (and she didn't) want me to be.

But not too close.

Wasn't really feeling up for a kick to the bits from me independent, opinionated, Oyster-of-action Alice.

So I found a spot well enough away for her privacy but in direct eyeline of her location.

Settled meself down.

Propped up somewhere between a tree and some railings.

Worn hat carefully atop me knee.

And sat there.

In the quiet of the nighttime glade, under the stars.

A homeless, fugitive, Teashoppe con-man.

And the Oyster that was changing him.

She was, you know. Changing me.

A little at a time.

Turning me from all my me-s around toward the they-s and them-s.

And her-s.

More and more, her.

Her and this whole experience I was having because of her.

Take now for example.

Under normal circumstances, I might've entertained a little daydream of mischieviously asking Alice to cuddle up and share the bed. Maybe even a few stolen kisses from my warming Oyster. A murmur or two of promised trysts, per'aps.

But here I was too consumed with trying to figure how I was going to get her home safe (still an odd consideration) before buying me way back into the good-ish graces of the Resistance.

So I didn't really have time for dreaming of sweeties in the dark.

Not yet anyway.

Because for the moment I was good and stymied.

How the bloody hell did you _reason_ with Alice ?

The answer, mates, was that you couldn't. Once she made up her mind about something, that was it, it was over.

Still, I couldn't help but try.

Not that it got me anywhere but good and skewered.

Just like one o' Charlies barbecued borogoves.

She just couldn't _be_ reasoned with. And I'd tried, I'd really tried.

I'd danced all around the reality of it, trying to skew it to me advantage.

That hadn't worked.

I'd tried the flat out truth, not a very frequented sojourn for me, to be honest.

And that'd just riled her up even more.

Because it didn't fit with her ideals, her principles.

That was Alice's main problem, that.

Belief.

She had so _much_ of it.

Such copious and copious amounts of it.

I'd never had half the belief and faith in anything in me entire _life_ as she did in her _one_ self assigned suicide mission .

It's not that I didn't want her to have faith.

It's that I didn't want her to have it in such a misguided mission.

Because success was impossible. Nobody won against the Hearts, nobody. I'd seen it time and time again.

The best thing to do for Oysters and Innocents alike was to avoid them, fly under their radar, skirt them at all possible costs.

Or, for conniving gits like me, misdirect them as you held your breath and made your move.

You didn't just walk right up to the Queen of Hearts and demand, well, _anything_.

That was Alice's problem. She just _believed_ she could emerge victorious.

And that belief, that faith, was going to get her killed.

I was trying to save her from that.

But she sure wasn't making it easy, with her stone countenance, her dagger sharp tongue, and her iced blue eyes.

I eventually fell asleep trying to devise a game plan for us that didn't involve certain death and dismemberment.

And that was a mistake.

* * *

I don't really know which part of Charlie's insane early warning system woke me.

I do know I was somewhere in a dark, snuggly place and Alice giggling. That was alot more skin between us than I'd ever dared to dream and some of it was even touching too.

So in retrospect, I guess I _did_ have time for sweeties in the dark.

Anyway, I was yanked straight out of all that goodness and right into . . . well, Loonyville.

Charlie was staggering around in his underwear yelling. A caged crow was cawing his agitation.

And the sun glinting off the armour helmet was blinding me, doubling me vision.

But I lurched to me numb, booted feet anyway, unconsciously flipping me hat onto me messy head with one thought and one thought alone shouting in me garbled brain.

 _Alice?_

Bed empty, fireside abandoned . . .

And then I saw it.

The coat.

That bloody purple velvet waistcoat I'd given her.

Hanging in plain sight.

Right in front of me eyes.

She'd put it there on purpose.

A clear message to me.

Goodbye.

She was gone.

Off to rescue precious Jack from the Heart's Casino.

Off to get herself captured, tortured, killed.

 _No._

 _NO._

"NO!"

Didn't even feel Charlie bump into me, to be honest.

Didn't hear his warble or notice his wiggly facial hair.

No, I was too incensed.

Enraged.

Terrified.

For Alice.

 _Bloody hell, woman! When I find you, I am going to TIE you to me to keep you safe! Then we won't have do this anymore and I can get some sleep!_

"I need a horse."

* * *

"You don't have to come, Charlie. This isn't your fight."

Was the exact wrong statement.

Or would've been had I cared to listen to his insueing rant.

Which I didn't.

Because I was all done listening.

There was no time, absolutely no time.

Alice was run off, heading straight into certain death.

She hadn't even taken the damn coat to stay warm.

Because she didn't think she was coming back.

Not to me anyway.

And I didn't know how much of a headstart she had.

She coulda already been captured for all I knew.

Just because I, like a guilble Oyster meself, had fallen asleep.

Trusted her to have some sense.

And trust in me.

Which obviously had been just too much to ask.

Bloody maddening little Oyster.

Charlie, of course, insisting in coming along.

But I didn't have time for him and his Dark toenail clippings and weirdness.

Alice was in trouble.

And all because . . .

"She's going to the Heart's Casino."

The old man was understandably aghast, having not yet attained Alice's level of madness.

"But that's certain death. Why would she go there?"

 _Because she's bleedin' barmy, you bloody git!_

 _And apparently this Jack's got a willie of pure gold._

* * *

 **Thanks again, DinahRay. You're a sweetie, you are.**

 **And thanks to geminii524. Sent you a PM if you still use that account. If not, no problem.**


	13. The Daring Rescue Mission Part 1

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

The Daring Rescue Mission of Robinson and Duckworth Part 1

* * *

Remember what I said before about misdirection?

Well, I've got that technique down, mates. In droves.

One of me favorites, actually.

A little flash, a little flair.

Me charming banter going nonstop.

And of course, a hat trick or two as a final touch.

That way they never see it coming.

Me sledgehammer.

I figured that was the only sensible way I had of getting inside that Casino and rescuing Alice from whatever mess she'd gotten herself into while I'd been sleeping.

Unless of course a female (highly unlikely) opened that service door.

Then I'd paint Alice's face all over her and take an entirely _different_ approach.

Just as fun, mind you. Just different.

There was only one cog in me brilliant, desperate plan.

The White Knight.

Charlie.

The bloke was around the mushroom barmy as I've said before and could easily unravel all me plans like a bubble wrapped kitty cat revved on too much Excitement.

What, it's not _that_ weird.

I've seen 'em in your world. Callin' it 'catnip' and 'lazerpointers' insteada 'Tea' doesn't change the effect, mates.

Bloody insane, they are.

Anyway, so I stood with another of me shaky, half-formed plans, me hat on me messy head, me maddening little Oyster trapped in the Casino.

And a geriatric, reality-challenged Knight watchin' me back.

 _Please just let this one thing go right. Just this one._

Don't know exactly who I was talkin' to. Happens sometimes.

Got no one to depend on but yourself so's you start conversin' with yourself.

Some people call it praying.

That'll do.

And deep breath.

Three confident bangs on the door.

And . . .

 _Showtime._

"Hi!"

 _Cheery, cheery. Look how cheery I am. Not a care in the world, me._

Right in the face of some sour-egged bloke in need of a good spot of Glee.

Who wasn't impressed.

"Who the hell are you?"

 _Well, I ain't the Walrus, mate._

"We're the new act. Robinson and . . . Duckworth. He's Robinson . . ."

 _Do not offer him your toenails, yeah?_

"I'm Duckworth."

 _Alright, sell it to the cheap seats._

"We're guardians to the mesmeric portals of the cosmos."

 _I can practically_ feel _your mad moustached little grin back there, Charlie. Stay calm._

"Huh?"

 _Not too bright though._

"Stage hypnotists," I elaborated.

And that was as far as Charlie managed.

". . . good fun," he warbled gleefully.

 _Ahh, held out as long as you could, didn't ya, mate?_

"He means the act," I improvised, hiding me panic behind another mad grin. "It's good fun. When we do it."

And I flaired and flashed.

And tossed me hat every which way.

Ahhh, I love me hats.

I love the tricks I can play. The magic I can wrought. The awe I can inspire.

This bloke obviously didn't appreciate me effort and talent with them.

So it felt even better to hit him.

 _Annnd . . . scene._

* * *

I really had no idea at all of how I was going to find Alice once we actually got _inside_ the Casino.

I hadn't really had an entire plan on gaining access either, in case it wasn't obvious.

But I didn't need an _entire_ plan.

Just the next step.

And the next step was finding a way out of this basement.

Good thing Charlie managed those stairs.

Because they were the first of many on our fight and flight.

And I was glad his old ticker didn't pop.

Would've made a terrific crash clamoring down.

Plus, as it turned out . . .

 _Oooh, all bright and white and . . ._

 _Hello,_ ladies _. . ._

 _Jabberwock ballocks, what a bloody big place. How the hell are we going to find her in all of this?_

. . . I did need him after all.

Because my plan wasn't good enough.

I knew it.

Charlie knew it.

And of course had a better plan.

". . . reach into the mist . . . lift the heavy veil . . . the oracle . . . ahhh . . ."

 _Oh bugger, you bleedin' lunatic . . ._

"What're you doing?"

 _. . . we'll be caught for sure . . ._

"Down here! Take the second left at the stairs . . ."

And against all logic and reason and everything that had gone wrong since I met me little Oyster, Charlie had it.

Mostly.

Except . . .

"Sheila?"

 _Odd moniker, don't you think?_

"Ehh, maybe it's Shakena."

 _Shmsh. No better._

* * *

I tell ya, sure was easy charming ole Sh- . . . whatever her name was.

Oooh, she smiled and batted those lil lashes and purred and flipped her short purple hair all at me.

And all I could think was how fake she seemed.

And how Alice would be completely disgusted with her.

Weird how thoughts crept inta your head that ain't yours, isn't it?

Anyway, we charmed ourselves right past her . . .

Apparently Charlie was quite taken with every single dolled up femme fatale in the place having not seen one in a very long time; thought he'd twitch his curlied up mustache to death before it was over

. . . and then everything went a bit wonky.

Charlie started chanting again and me head went into a swirl and then a door I hadn't seen opened and we were in this narrow little room.

Faced with another set of doors.

Light wood, criss-crossy patten.

Doubled up.

 _I sure hope this girl has a name I can properly pronounce._

And she did.

 _Alice._

* * *

 **Yeah, never did figure out how we got in there. Or out. One of the mysteries, I tell ya.**

 **Anyway, thanks again DinahRay and good to see you back again too, ThatGypsyWriter. And listen stop by anytime but don't worry ya self over it, yeah? Life's for the the living and the words'll always be here, love. :)**


	14. The Daring Rescue Mission Part 2

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

The Daring Rescue Mission of Robinson and Duckworth Part 2

* * *

"Hatter!"

I've never been so happy to see such a terrified expression in all me life.

And she was terrified to say the least.

Every right to be.

Dangling out over a great deep abyss with nothing between her and it but a floating desk.

Which was something I just didn't have time to process right then.

Nor the bald, pudgy, yelling heads of the Doctors I'd heard nightmare stories about.

No time for any of it.

Because we needed to get outta there.

And if Alice didn't trust me, we'd all die.

 _Come on, Alice, just this once, love._

"Jump!"

I held out me arms to her, out across the void.

And me brave little Oyster did it.

Climbed right up on that floating desk, swung across a chandelier and right into me arms.

Nearly knocked the wind outta me, she did.

Slender and frail she looked on the outside.

But underneath that blue dress and red tights, all lean muscle and strength.

Her grip was a deathlock for the longest of seconds but then she let go.

And immediately started the thing she did even better than fight.

Question me.

"How did you get in here?"

 _Not a clue. Think he slipped me something._

"Dunno. Ask Charlie."

Charlie was talking to the Alice door he was playing with but all I could do was stare at her.

Safe.

She was safe.

And alive.

And whole.

A bloody beautiful miracle that was.

One I really didn't have time to appreciate just then because now that we were in, we had to get back out.

Which was just as difficult as I had dreaded.

Alice was much quicker than she should've been in those boots.

And had no idea which way to go.

The general consensus appeared to be 'down'.

I ran point in case we were confronted by Suits.

Which we were.

Charlie rambling in from behind in case we needed another worry.

Which we didn't.

Can't fault him too much though.

There were a lot of stairs.

And a lot of Suits.

Coming in from behind.

The front.

There was me, in me big clunky boots sliding around that slick floor waxed within an inch of me life.

Alice later mentioned something called 'sneakers'. Said they would have been much more helpful than our boots.

I have since tried them.

She was right.

Now I own more than any grown man has a right to.

And I do not care.

They're _fantastic._

But then, no.

Just me and me boots. And Alice's.

Against all those stairs and waxed floors and Suits.

So Charlie and his newfound elevator were a lifesaver.

A real elevator.

Not a busalator-elevator.

But an elevator.

With real doors.

And wood paneling.

And glowing buttons.

And a furious Alice.

Again.

After arguing over the only direction left to us . . .

 _Think this one's too standard to be a horizontal mover, love. And have you_ seen _what's going on down below?_

. . . barely surviving another one of Charlie's rants of loyalty and steadfastness . . .

 _Got too many spots in me eyes for you to start dancin' in 'em too, mate._

. . . me and Alice did what, up until that time, was the only thing we were good at together.

Arguing.

". . . shouldn't have come . . . get yourselves killed . . ."

 _Too much to start this conversation with a 'thank you', then?_

The ring, the ring, no additional info there, why did I start with that?

Right.

Because I was an idiot.

And she was yelling already anyway.

And she was an idiot too.

Actually thought she was getting close to bargaining with the Queen.

Bloody maddening, beautiful little Oyster.

 _You could be dead. You would be dead! What is wrong with you?!_

And all because . . .

". . . you really think the Queen's just gonna send you and your boyfriend home?!"

 _Oh for crying out loud, I swear if I ever come face to face with this bloody git, I'm gonna clock him!_

"No . . ."

 _Yay, reality._

"No, of course not . . ."

 _Now we're finally getting somewhere . . ._

". . . because he's her son."

 _What the hell._

I couldn't process it.

"The _Prince_?"

The words weren't words.

"Jack Heart?!"

They didn't make sense.

Jack Heart is your _boyfriend_?!"

 _Too much Tea, I'm on the Tea, too much Tea. Bad Tea._

And I looked at Alice's face.

 _Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will break my heart._

I've heard that in your world since I came here.

And unlike other verbal oddities I couldn't quite grasp, I didn't need this one explained to me.

It was written all over Alice's face.

She had trusted him.

She had believed in him.

She had sacrificed, nearly her life, for him.

And he had lied about everything.

And was with them.

The them that had ruthlessly hurt so many.

Would have, did to some extent, hurt her.

And now the truth was out there, out in the world, for all to see.

And me.

The one she'd fought so hard against believing.

I'd been right.

And she'd been wrong.

And she knew it.

And we could all die for it.

 _Oh, Alice._

I was so angry, so furious.

For her.

At her.

I dunno what I would've done had those elevator doors opened just then.

Shake her? Yell at her?

Gather her into me arms and hold her because she was so hurt and all alone?

Probably not.

Didn't matter anyway because those elevator doors did open.

And I s'pose I'm just glad there were only two Suits on the roof.

* * *

Quick lil brawl.

Took some punches.

Bloody hat flew off again.

But I got me own in.

'Bout ten seconds after nearly getting strangled off the roof.

Gave him what-for though.

Even worked in a hat trick for flair.

Aww, dunno why. 'Cause I can, I guess.

And as I was flippin' me hat back onto me head again, I saw the second Suit on the ground with Charlie knocking him smartly in the head while Alice gazed on from the sidelines.

 _Cheers, mate. Bet there's more to it though, yeah?_

Insteada stoppin' for a cuppa _. . ._

 _Celebratory nip? No?_

Congratulatory handshake . . .

 _Now tell me what really happened, love . . ._

Or tea forbid, a happy lil hug . . .

 _Mmm, warm . . ._

We didn't even have time for a breather.

"What now?"

I looked around.

 _Bugger, just couldn'ta been a Scarab, could it?_

Still . . . better than waitin' to grow wings . . .

"We get on one of those."

Now mind you, we were on a _very_ high up roof.

Nothing but air around, above, and below.

Didn't bother me.

Too much.

But you know Alice.

Not much for all the ups and downs.

So I knew jaunting off on those weird pink bird fliers with her wouldn't be a simple lil stroll through the Jabberwock woods.

Still . . .

"I am not getting on that!"

 _Not really much built-in discussion time here, love._

"What genius!"

Well, at least Charlie was excited by the prospect.

I hopped on the bizarre contraption, discovering straight away me bits were going to be taking a beating.

 _Sorry, boys, nothing for it._

"We don't have another choice."

And Alice wasn't making matters any better.

"You don't understand. I'm _not_ getting on that!"

 _Oh bloody hell, woman!_

"It's perfectly safe!" _No lies_ _, mate._ "Safe-ish."

Nope.

"I have a thing about flying!"

The newly arrived Suits didn't help.

"Yeah? I've got a thing about _bullets_!"

Rooted to the ground, me stubborn, terrified little Oyster.

Rather face a hail of bullets than plunge off the side of a house of cards.

Her worse fear come to fruition.

Heights.

And me.

 _Jabberwock ballocks._

It was the ledge all over again. Even . . .

"Look at me."

 _Alice._

"I wouldn't let you do it if I didn't think you'd be okay."

 _Trust me, woman, trust me. Just this once._

And she, in a fearful agony, did.

Sorta.

At any rate, she clamored on and Charlie shot off, screaming all the way.

I followed suit (metaphorically, really) and Alice the untouchable Oyster locked me in a death grip that nearly crushed me sterum.

Still, woulda felt good if I hadn't been engaging in a crash (poor choice o' phrase, that) course on modern Wonderland high speed aviation.

 _Oooh, I'm gonna be sick._

Alice wasn't fairing too well either.

And as charming and verbose as I can be, I was also trying to ignore being scared out of me wits.

And having a tad bit of difficulty with distracting conversation.

"I suppose it's his lofty airs and graces, eh?"

Odd that shooting through the air on a flying pink flamingo that was all I could think to say to her.

Interestingly enough, Alice was right on target with me.

"He doesn't have airs and graces!"

 _Oh please, he's got more airs shut up in that Casino than we do out here in the actual._

"Really? Well, what then?"

 _What am I trying to do to her here?_

I really had no idea.

"Look, just shut up and drive!"

 _You mean 'not crash'. Okay. Sure._

And while Alice and I argued (again), Charlie was practically blissful in his element.

Singing and waxing poetic on the merits of mechanical flight.

Until the Suits and their bullets found us.

Again.

"Alice! Hold on!"

I needn't have requested.

She had her strong wrapped all around me, head jammed between me shoulderblades. I could feel her entire front pressing into me back.

Might've enjoyed it if I hadn't been so intent on not crashing and dying.

And then Charlie, the joyful White Knight, went plunging into the lake below.

And moments later, against all me best efforts, Alice and I followed.

* * *

 **So gracious, you are, me loyal reviewers, DinahRay, ThatGypsyWriter, and HardfacedQueenofMisadventure. I'm very appreciative you're out there reading and talking to me.**

 **And thanks to you too, guest Cassie, for such an enthusiastic message. Tho, why wouldn't it sound like me, love, it is me! *pauses* You're not on the Tea, are ya? ;)**


	15. Fight of a Different Kind

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Fight of a Different Kind

* * *

For the life of me, I don't exactly know how we survived the plummet and subsequent crash into the bone shattering surface of the lake.

But . . .

 _Ooooh, me bits . . ._

. . . when we hit the water, me torso collided with the metal flamingo neck thing and Alice's body smushed into me back.

Which meant me aforementioned bits, along with everything else, got jammed right in the middle.

And then we flipped, flying crossways.

Down into the depths of the lake.

Lost track of everything down there, weightless and senseless in its silent, murky world.

Monsters. Rumours of monsters sulking in the dark waters.

 _Carnivorous_ monsters no less.

But that didn't seem to matter just then.

Might've blacked out for a second.

But I can't be sure.

I _am_ sure I was all fun-ed out on flying flamingos for the forseeable future.

Then me whole body jerked and I saw bubbles breaking all around as I surged back to reality.

 _Alice, Alice, where's Alice . . ._

I couldn't see her or anything else.

 _Dear sweet Alice, better excel at swimming more than horseback riding._

And I definitely couldn't _breathe_ the water.

So that was something of a problem.

It was a hard fight reaching air again. Me beloved leather jacket and sturdy boots weighing me down quite a bit til I feared I was in danger of drowning.

Til I quite suddenly broke through to the surface.

With Alice nearby gasping for breath as well.

Apparently it had only been a few seconds.

"Hatter!" she cried out, reaching for me. "Are you alright?"

 _Me, you kiddin'? Of course!_

Is what I _meant_ to say.

"Guh!"

 _Smooth._

We swam to shore together and lay still on the rocky beach, gasping for air and spitting lake water outta our lungs.

"You okay?" I managed, after a few minutes.

"Yeah," came the weak reply of my once more drenched Oyster. "Just about."

Who was lying flat out on the rocks beside me.

"Good."

We lay there, near but not touching, squinting up at the blue sky overhead.

"I'm good too," I informed her lightly. "Thanks for asking."

She woulda glared if she'd had the strength to do more than sit up and empty her boots of water.

I did the same.

While the silence glared for her.

"Lost me hat," I lamented, replacing me boots on me soaked feet.

And she tossed it in me lap.

Wet and shapeless and smelling of lake water.

Me hat.

I coulda kissed it.

I could kissed _her_.

Never mind.

I snatched it up as she rose and I followed.

"Thanks very much!"

No reply.

Instead . . .

"Charlie!"

 _Oh bloody hell. Charlie! Could he have possibly survived the crash?_

I glanced back toward the grey, undulating surface of the water.

No floating body.

But then again, that clonky armour wasn't light as a feather either.

Still, Alice's belief and abiding hope were powerful things.

Nothing much for me to do but follow in the wake of them.

And her.

* * *

But the beach wasn't safe. Not with Suits in the air.

I tried to tell her.

And of course there was the matter of . . .

"Where's the ring?"

But she wouldn't say.

"Safe."

Because she _still_ didn't trust me.

Not even after . . .

". . . risked me neck getting you out of there!"

 _Punched in the face, repeatedly I might add! Crashed into a lake! Don't think me bits'll ever be just right again!_

But she couldn't see the tea for the leaves.

"Why did you risk your neck?"

 _Seriously?! Because I_ care _about what happens to you, you bloody maddening little Oyster! What is_ wrong _with you?!_

"Why're you being so ungrateful?!"

So absolute, me Alice. So maddeningly absolute.

The ring. That I still wanted nothing but the ring.

 _I was trying to save your skin, you hateful little -_

". . . need to use it to get my father out."

 _Wait . . . What?_

Jack. This whole time it'd been _Jack_ , right?

Now it was . . . her father?

"He's here."

Her long lost father was here? In Wonderland?

 _What the hell?_

And then it was back to Jack all over again.

". . . slipped me his watch."

And there on the beach, in a very wet blue dress and red tights and her hair soaking and hanging, there she was.

Alice.

Not the woman, no.

The girl.

The little girl whose father had disappeared on her.

Left her.

Broken her trust.

Destroyed her faith in men.

She stood before me on that beach.

Her and her desperate, scrabbling hope.

That he was here somewhere she could finally be reunited with him.

And not have to be so scared any more.

Or so she thought.

It broke me heart to see her like that.

So ready, so willing to believe a lie.

All because this Jack had spoken it.

Jack.

Prince of Hearts.

Son of the Queen.

Manipulator and Liar Extraordinaire.

She had already been hurt so much and so badly.

And I didn't want to hurt her more.

But I already cared too much to let her believe a lie.

And die for it.

So I set me jaw, took a breath, and looked into those big blue eyes.

So beautiful. So wounded.

And opened me mouth and spoke.

And I _hated_ Jack for making me do it.

But I couldn't not.

Because I'd promised meself I'd help her.

And always tell her the truth.

As I knew it.

"He's lying."

Oh, the hurt in her eyes.

The wilting of her faith in me.

In Jack.

In the whole bloody mess.

Because in her heart, she just knew, after all her time waiting and searching, that it was too good to be true.

Too bizarre.

Too . . . mad.

But Alice never was one to let things go easily.

She turned away and resumed her march.

"Jack took a big risk passing this to me."

 _Unless it was a trick to regain your trust._

"And you believe him?!"

Silence would've been an easier approach. Let her figure it out on her own.

Wasn't my fight, after all.

Except it was.

I was involved now.

And bugger all if I was going to let me lovely, stubborn little Oyster destroy herself without a fight.

A bitter pill that I would have to hurt her so much to do it.

"Because he's lied to you about _everything_ ," I reminded her.

But still she believed in him.

I don't bloody know why. Except . . .

"He had his reasons."

 _Drown me in the lake and barbeque me up, I'll be damned._

"I'm stunned. Why are you still defending him?"

She wouldn't look at me. Or couldn't.

"Because he's trying to help me."

 _No,_ I'm _trying to help you! He's working for his mother! Blood and water. Can't you see?_

Me patience was cracking like a fumbled teacup.

I grabbed her arm to turn her. Make her stop walking away. To pay attention, draw her out of herself.

 _Look at me, woman! Look me in the eyes and tell me_ any _of this makes sense!_

"He took the ring from his mother. He gave it to you. Why? It made you a target, Alice!"

 _Men who love women don't do that! I may be a conniving git but I know that much!_

And then she totally blew me mind.

"I screwed up bringing the ring here!"

She hauled off and took responsibility for the whole damn thing.

 _Bugger. When I meet him, I'm going to kill him._

She was cracking, little fragments of her stone battlements falling away now.

Shoring them up, she was. Trying to, anyway. With the mortar of blind faith.

Faith in a guy who'd never told her the truth, never tried to protect her.

Never given up everything just to keep her safe.

And I just couldn't stomach it.

"Why?!" I yelled continuing to push to make her see reason before it was too late.

And it worked.

She whipped around, straight dark hair swinging, shouting at me at the top of her lungs.

"I don't know!"

Shrunken.

Lost.

Little girl left on the beach.

 _Come on, Alice. I'm here. I've got you._

"He's engaged." Her voice was quiet with shame and embarrassment. "To a duchess."

 _Yep, definitely going to kill him._

"So he's two timing you."

Who does that to a woman so strong, so beautiful, so amazing and brave as this?

And what woman takes it? All because . . .

"I don't think it's like that."

She didn't look at me when she said it. I don't think she could.

Because she was holding onto the final shred of her dignity with everything she had left.

Me beautiful, deluded, desperate little Oyster.

And I pushed again.

Because I had to.

Because I wasn't going to pass the hat on her.

And I'd push again and again until she saw reason and sense.

So she didn't get herself killed all for nothing.

Her father. Jack. The watch. Her arrival in Wonderland.

It had to be a lie.

I had to make her see that.

 _How_ was I going to make her _see_ that?

And then Charlie bought me a little more time to figure it out.

"Heyyy, nonny nonny . . ."

* * *

 **Quite a battle in and of itself out there on that beach. And not the last of its kind either. But you already know that, don't ya? 'S why you're here, yeah?**

 **Big shout out to DinahRay's progeny and her upcoming thespian pursuits! Tip o' me hat to you and your bravery, love!**

 **Now then, back to reading and reviewing thanks to DinahRay, guest Cassie, and HardfacedQueenofMisadventure. Loyal bunch, you ladies.**

 **Much thanks also to magpie6789 for adding your support to this tale.**


	16. Here and There and Everywhere

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

Been we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Here and There and Everywhere

* * *

Deranged old codger, Charlie.

He was just fine.

Dandy and fine.

More so even.

'Course I woulda been too if Alice had ever hugged _me_ like that.

Still, I couldn't fault him.

He was just relieved and grateful she was alive.

And I must admit, I was glad to see him okay too.

Still . . .

"How'd you get ashore with all that armour on?"

 _And get a campfire going so quickly?_

 _Get all these arrangements up?_

 _Blimey, how long_ have _I been_ _arguing with Alice on that beach?_

Of course, he had some grand, vague response to me inquiry.

And apparently a very useful whirly-jiggama-thing.

Which he couldn't tell us about.

 _Well, brilliant. Now that we're all alive and well with all our special accoutrements . . ._

"We should get off this beach before we get spotted."

 _A wise plan of action even if I do say so meself._

"No."

 _Sigh. Of course._

"No?"

And then she said it.

" . . . getting me out of the Casino. But I have to go back."

We had rescued her, nearly been captured, nearly _died._

For her.

And now she wanted to go back.

Even Charlie seemed put-off.

Plopped right back down in front of the fire, all defeated and disheartened.

But I, as I have mentioned before, was not going to give up and pass the hat on me Oyster Alice.

So there we went again.

"Why are you still hooked on Jack?!"

 _And I swear, love, I'll eat me hat if you say you 'like' him._

"I told you, he was trying to help me."

 _Arrrgghh, nearly as bad. Bloody maddening._

"Really?! 'Cause sounds to me like he was usin' you!"

 _There, I said it!_

"And you're not?"

Stickin' me hand in Charlie's cracklin' fire woulda hurt less.

Part of me wanted to walk away right then.

'Cause that one lil utterance hurt more than all the hits I'd taken.

Even more than Dodo's bullet.

But I pushed it away.

'Cause, by tea (and Tea!), I wasn't done fighting for her yet.

Or Wonderland.

 _It's not just about us, Alice! It's about all of them! We're just a part of it!_

But she was still focused, me stubborn lil Oyster.

And wouldn't give the Resistance a chance.

 _Damn you, Dodo._

But maybe . . .

"If we get to the top man, he'll help us."

And there was her hope.

That I had another line, another contact. That I knew him.

"Yes . . . no . . ."

Well, not exactly.

But I knew someone who did.

And finally, _finally_ , I convinced her to listen to me.

To go and stay safe with Charlie in the fortress.

And let me contact Caterpillar.

Through me last remaining ally.

* * *

Dormy.

Not the easiest blighter to find in Wonderland.

Scurried so quick, it did.

Like a lil mouse.

Must've been all the beatings it'd endured.

Makes one jittery.

Guess that's why it screamed so bad when I snatched it into the alley.

"Ahhh! Not the face! Not the face!"

 _Poor Dorms. Tough ol life, that._

"Just keep your voice down, Dormy."

Blimey bad scene at the Teashoppe for it, I suppose. Right impressed I was that Dorms was still conscious at all.

Like of one o' those fainting goats Alice showed me on the Internet one day.

 _Iiiieeee! Clunk._

Anyway . . .

"I need you to get a message to Caterpillar."

It didn't trust me. It didn't trust anybody. Not really.

"And what makes you think I can do that?"

Wise one, was Dorms.

Still, no time for hugs and cuppas.

"Don't get cute. I haven't got the time."

And oh, blimey, there it went off rambling like Charlie on a Bandersnatch rant.

". . . even exists . . . mythical creature . . . running the mill . . ."

But I knew the truth.

And Dorms' eyes screamed it. Though its mouth never would.

So I pressed on, knowing the message would get passed.

They always did.

"We still have what they want. We're ready to make a deal."

And then before it could stutter out any more yammerings, I stalked off.

To wait.

* * *

I stayed outta sight, gazing out over the towering expanses of Wonderland.

Thinking about the ring. How something so little could be so powerful.

Cause so much hysteria, so much misery.

Thinking about the Queen, how one person could trap the masses, hold them in sway.

Turn them into such groveling, pitiful wretches.

And thinking a little about meself, I must admit.

What would I do, how would I get by once the Queen and her Tea-dynasty was overthrown?

And of course, thinking about Alice.

How a mere girl, a displaced _Oyster_ no less, that I'd just met a day before, was having such a significant impact on me.

And what I was going to do about it.

Amongst all these mulling contemplations that I couldn't solve the conundrums of, there came a hidden voice from somewhere behind me.

Not Dormy. Not Chesh.

"Your proposal been accepted."

I didn't bother to look around to try to find said surresh.

"A special agent will be dispatched within the hour to retrieve the goods."

Wouldn't see that what didn't choose to be seen.

"Location?" I inquired.

No hesitation before the definite reply.

"Unnecessary. Your movements will be tracked."

 _Oh. Okay. Brilliant. That's not creepy._

And that was that.

All that was left was to make it back to Alice.

 _Alice._

* * *

Cruisin' me smugglin' boat back, me exhausted thoughts remained with Alice.

The wheel easy under me hands, water speeding away under me feet.

It usually calmed me, driving that lil rig. I could do it all day.

But today, all I wanted was to get back to her.

See those big beautiful blue eyes looking straight through me.

And make sure she was safe.

* * *

 **Nearly ran meself ragged 'round Wonderland, yeah?**

 **Anyways, thanks always to the most chipper DinahRay and ThatGypsyWriter for the time you've spent here.**

 **And thanks very much to Lynn Lizzy Holmes (almost as many names as the Queen there, love) for adding your support to me story.**


	17. Uphill Both Ways

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Uphill, Both Ways

* * *

Blimey , did she have to pick the _tallest_ hill around?

Charlie . . .

The 'White Knight', remember him?

Brave and stouthearted and ever-watchful.

With his snoring and his teddy and his nonnies.

Yeah, him.

If I'da been Mad March, I coulda slit his throat in a blink insteada just yelling him awake.

Charlie with his mystic excuses and false grandeur.

And that lil curlied up beard dangling over me shoulder.

Bloody maddening, he was.

And I just didn't have the patience to sift through it.

"Where's Alice?"

And he directed me toward that bloody big hill.

He said she'd climbed it to wait and watch for my return.

I asked him if she said that.

He replied with a ' _no, dear boy, but love need not speak itself to be heard'._

Right romantic git, he was.

She didn't think of me that way.

If she was waiting for anybody, it was the hero of the Resistance , a true knight . . .

 _Sorry, Charlie._

. . . in shining armour come rescue her away home.

She wasn't waiting for a homeless, hapless, Tea shoppe con man in a raggedy hat and purple pinstripe pants, was she?

Not very likely, no.

But I shut me mouth and went in the direction he warbled.

And found her.

She was back to wearing the purple velvet coat I offered her on our first meeting a million years . . .

 _Really, only a few days, bugger, time is an odd cod._

. . . ago.

I paused , gazing at her.

Beautiful, strong, brave.

I could never get past her iron defenses. Not me, not Hatter. Neither me dashing charm, carefully honed gift of gab, nor me burgeoning care I tried so hard to ignore could even begin to crack her impentreable battlements.

There she stood in her crumpled blue dress, and red tights and lil brown boots, back rigid and unrelenting against the whole worlds, staring off into the distance, searching, searching for help, for backup.

But not for me. No, not for me.

But me coat, she was wearing me coat again. Wrapped all up in it.

Against the cold, against the chill.

Surely not because she cared, no, not her.

No, eventually my Alice of legend would toss me coat off back to me, traipse off through the Looking Glass with her Jack or more likely now, her father, or all by her lonesome and never even give me a backward glance.

And I, I would be left with that purple velvet garment and her light, luminescent scent all over it.

Me coat and me memories of her.

And of course, chocolate and cream cake.

Though it wouldn't help at all.

Still, there was nothing for it but to trudge up that bloody steep hill, swallow me building Tea-free emotions and face her, me impervious stone angel.

So I did.

But blimey, that was a long climb to her all the same.

* * *

As I neared the top, she turned and looked at me and something in her gaze made me catch me breath.

But not much of a pauser, me. Can't afford to be.

Especially not then.

Especially not with those eyes.

So I pushed onward.

"It's good news," I announced, closing the final distance. "The Resistance wants to help."

She didn't respond, just kept staring at me with those big blue eyes of hers.

"They're sending a special agent to take us to see Caterpillar."

Those eyes, love of me hat and tea, those eyes.

I'd never seen them quite so liquid and open before.

It was . . . enchanting, entrancing.

 _Stop it, love, or I'll never catch me breath._

Speaking of catching breath . . .

"It's quite a . . . steep hill."

Yep, that's me. That's the Hatter.

"You okay?"

Never at a loss for wo-

"I was beginning to think you weren't coming back," she murmured.

Me heart pounded even faster even as me brain argued.

 _Disappointed, were ya? Have to find somebody new to yell at?_

 _Or perhaps, you care?_

 _Oh no, couldn't be that._

 _Oh, of course. It's . . ._

"Still don't trust me?"

I don't usually vie for attention. _Real_ attention. I usually just . . .

 _Miss me, love? Yeah, ya did._

. . . say it meself.

But that time, that time, I really wanted _her_ to say it.

 _Needed_ her to say it.

So I'd know she'd admitted it to herself and was ready to admit it to me.

But things then were never so easy with Alice.

She swallowed down those feelings and kept to the topic at hand.

"How soon til he gets here?"

 _Fine. We'll play it your way. No time for anything else anyway._

So we talked.

Well, _I_ talked.

After all, it's what I do, right?

Right.

So I talked.

About the Resistance.

And she was right.

I was going to finally take a stand.

Not the shady, both-sides-of-the-court stand I had taken before.

A real stand.

A true stand.

And all because of her.

And this mad, twisting adventure she'd set us on.

Even told her about me father and his shame.

But that's a story for another time.

Then we came down off the hill together.

Though it, for some reason, still felt like I was trudging upward.

* * *

She was so quiet coming down off that hill.

Usually she was a talker.

Full of plans and questions.

And arguments of course.

But that time she was completely withdrawn into herself.

And she was only ever like that when she was angry.

Usually with me.

Or maybe she was just worried about Jack again.

Or her father.

There was only one way to find out.

"What's the matter?"

Ask.

She stopped, hesitating only for a second.

Not like before when she was fighting me every step of the way.

"What will I do? If I get stuck here?"

And she looked at me.

Instead of pushing me away, she was reaching out.

With those eyes.

Those big beautiful blue eyes looking at me.

And that was how I got drawn in.

Those eyes.

I paused and looked into those captivating eyes.

So open. So vulnerable.

She wasn't arguing with me.

She wasn't fighting me.

She needed me.

"Then I'll make sure you're okay," I murmured.

And I would.

That was all that mattered right then.

All there was, was her.

No Jack.

No Queen.

No Resistance.

Just her.

I didn't really mean to get that close, to almost kiss her.

But those eyes.

That vulnerability.

All those guys, whoever they were.

All those guys, starting with her dad.

Abandoning her.

Or her fear of them abandoning her.

That was over.

I wouldn't leave her, abandon her.

I would stay right there beside her.

I'd keep her safe, get her home.

I wouldn't let go.

Not until the end.

"I think your luck is finally changing."

And then the end came a little sooner than I had expected.

"That's right. It is."

 _What the hell._

* * *

 **Gettin' a lil personal here but I promised I'd tell me story right, yeah?**

 **Anyway, thanks again, me lovely DinahRay :)**


	18. The Battle I was Destined to Lose

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

The Battle I was Destined to Lose

* * *

And there the stupid blighter was.

Jack.

Jack, the Prince of Hearts.

Jack, the son of the Queen.

Jack, the one who'd lied, manipulated, and wounded me Alice the very most in her recent history.

He was here.

Here.

Why was he here?

To recapture Alice and take her back for torture?

Lay hold of the ring and return it to his psychotic Mother?

Finally break through and destroy the Resistance?

It didn't matter _why_ he was here.

Only that he was.

And I wasn't going to be having with any of it.

So I bolted forward, snatching up a good sized branch from the ground.

Wasn't much compared to an actual _sword,_ I must admit.

But I had something he didn't.

Anger.

Fury.

Outrage.

For the Resistance.

For the degraded masses of Wonderland.

For meself.

For poor, ridiculous, rambling Charlie trussed up on the ground like a prize pig.

But mostly for Alice.

So I put meself forward, swung me stick a little for the heft.

And prepared for battle.

I couldn'ta had any idea what kind of battle I would be fighting.

It was one that couldn't be won with a stick or a sword.

And wasn't one I would be winning at all.

But I didn't know that quite yet.

So at the time, I was ready.

"Look, nobody is fighting here unless it's me and I'm a black belt, remember?"

Alice just wasn't.

Though I didn't entirely understand.

 _But you're not wearing a belt, love._

And Prince Jack, oh he was all kinds of curious and questioning.

About me, lil ol' me.

"Who's your friend?"

 _Somebody's who's been a load more loyal to her than_ you _, ya wanker._

"Just a friend."

 _Oh, is that all? Well, still a step up from repulsive git, I suppose._

"Yes. You two look pretty friendly."

 _Trying to be, if you'll be so kind as to sod off._

"You jealous, Jack?"

 _Sure hope so._

"A little."

And then me lovely Alice did something that made her even more beautiful and wonderful to me than ever.

She attacked him insteada me.

"Did I hear that right? The guy who's engaged to a _duchess_ is worried about me?"

 _Yes! Sledgehammer him again, love, and this time reach way back on it, yeah?!_

He sidestepped her pain by changing topic and insisting . . .

"Let's get out of here."

 _Over me dead body!_

"She's not going anywhere with you!"

I put meself between them, to shelter, protect her.

But Alice was still believing in him.

Him and his knowledge about her dad.

And Jack, oh, Jack the Prince of Wankin' Hearts, he _capitalized_ on it.

"If you let me, I'll take you to him."

Oh, he played her right and well.

And she, she bought it, tea, cup, and saucer.

And oh how I _hated_ him for it.

Mention her long lost da and everything else goes away.

The Resistance.

The ring.

The injustice.

Me.

I tried to be the voice of reason, I really did.

"Don't tell me you trust this guy."

Tried to get her to listen.

"He'll say anything to get his hands on the ring!"

To protect her.

"It's just all an act!"

To keep her safe.

"Don't be fooled by this, Alice! He's working for his mother!"

But in the end, Jack was more powerful.

Because he had something I didn't.

The promise of her dear ol da.

And there was no way, absolutely no way in any world at all, that anything was more powerful than that.

He even got her to give him the ring.

All because . . .

"You sent for me."

 _I bloody well did not!_

"I'm the agent who's supposed to escort you to Caterpillar."

 _?!_

 _. . ._

 _Oh._

A real kick in the already bruised bits, that.

And I knew.

He was here.

He was going to take the ring.

He was going to take Alice.

Him and not me.

The end all be all of her ticket home.

And I had requested him. _Invited_ him into the Kingdom of the Knights.

Because he was the secret agent.

Close cohort to the legendary Caterpillar.

Hero of the Resistance.

Future king.

And I, I was just a hapless, shiftless, conniving, Teashoppe conman.

Against Prince Jack of Hearts.

Noble, sacrificial, bleedin' wanker.

And I knew then that I'd lost.

Lost the battle.

Lost the war.

Lost her.

And I knew I was done.

So I did the only thing I could do.

I stepped away.

Dropped me stupid bloody stick.

And let her go.

"I wish you all the luck in the world, Alice."

 _Though you won't need it anymore, I suppose. Not with Mr. King of All He Surveys here._

She tried to stop me a'course.

"You're coming with us, Hatter."

Oh, she broke me heart then, me beautiful Oyster.

 _No. You don't need me. Now that you've got Jacky boy here._

"I don't think I figure in the future king's plans."

 _Unless it's for Jabberwock fodder._

"He's coming with us," she questioned dear Jack.

She even smiled at him, knowing what reasonable fellow he was.

"You must come alone."

 _Alone with you, of course. Of course._

But Alice, me Alice was a fighter.

And she fought.

She fought for _me_.

"But Hatter stood by me."

And since Jacky boy obviously hadn't paid much attention in his time with her and didn't realize just how insufferably tenacious she really was, I knew I had to step in.

Make her go.

Otherwise the world would turn 'round and 'round while she argued with Jack.

And fought for me.

And her chance with her father would be all gone.

"Hey, I wouldn't want to go with this guy anyway."

 _There's me being truthful again. So why does it hurt so much?_

And because she wouldn't, I did.

I walked away.

"What will you do?" she called out anxiously from behind me.

 _As if me heart couldn't shred anymore. Me beautiful, beautiful Alice._

And I turned, the Hatter once more.

Showman.

Big, fat, bloody liar.

"Me?"

Big, rogueish smile plastered all over me snarking face.

"You kidding?"

Even dashed a smirk at Jack just for good measure.

 _Don't let 'em see your hurt, mate. Spit it right back at him._

But those eyes of hers, dear tea and hats and everything Wonderlandish, those eyes.

So big. So blue.

So full of care.

"I'll be fine," I said, sobering as I gazed what I thought to be me last upon her and she to me.

Because it was too late.

It was all over with us.

"Believe me, you're better off with this guy."

And it was true, bloody hell, it really was.

I couldn't get her there, to her father, to her world.

I wasn't good enough.

I'd taken her as far as I could.

Right into the arms of Prince Jack of Hearts.

Where she had been heading, trying to head, all along.

Now she just had to . . .

"Go."

And then because me aching heart and insides couldn't take the sight of her beautiful, worried face anymore, I turned.

And went.

* * *

 **Still a raw moment here. And the next one's even worse, one you haven't been privy to before. So day after next, when you read, read gently, yeah? Much obliged.**

 **Thanks to DinahRay for the review and much love heading your way the next coupla days, darlin'.**

 **Thanks also to Ontherun246 (from what, pray tell?) for adding your support to me story.**


	19. The Shadow Ghost and the Squirrel

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Alone with the Shadow Ghost and the Squirrel

* * *

I walked aimlessly through the woods, not looking back.

She was gone.

With him.

Jack.

Prince of Hearts Jack.

And I had let her go.

I had dropped me big silly stick and let her go.

Because it was the right thing to do.

She needed to go find her father.

And this smug, pretentious princeling had a direct line to him.

And all I had was a stick and me wits and me stubbornness.

And me mouth.

Which had failed me.

I'd told her to go, _insisted_ that she go.

And for the first time since the first few moments I'd met her, I'd lied to her.

Told her I'd be fine.

I wasn't.

She was going away with him. He'd send her back home through the Looking Glass.

And I'd be left here forever.

Without her.

With only her memory to haunt me.

She hadn't _wanted_ to let me go, was worried about me.

I coulda used that me advantage.

A way to worm me way back into the situation, keep meself next to her.

But I didn't.

Because that woulda been the wrong thing to do.

And I was trying to be a good man.

For her.

No.

 _Because_ of her.

And me reward for those efforts was pain.

Intense, wrenching, sickening pain.

Right where me heart lay clenching like a dying, miserable thing.

That once strongly beating organ.

Now slowly squeezing itself to ruins within me paiselyed chest.

I couldn't walk any further.

Couldn't find a reason to.

I slumped me back against a tree trunk.

Slid slowly down until I met the dry, leafy forest floor.

And hung me head.

And then I did something I hadn't done for a very long time.

I cried.

Silent, salty, sorrowful tears escaped me brimming eyes and traced their wretched courses down me dirty cheeks.

I let them.

No one was around to see anyway.

I was alone.

And she was gone.

With him.

And so I let them come. The bitter, lonely tears.

 _"Hatter?"_

 _Her usually brusque voice was timid, almost shy._

 _She wasn't here. I was hearing things. Smoky daydreams in me desperate desires._

 _I didn't reply to the shadow ghost Alice._

 _Just better to let it drift away._

 _But it wouldn't go._

 _"Hatter?"_

 _The voice was closer now, almost to me side._

 _Blimey, the encroaching madness was persistent, wasn't it?_

 _And then her lithe, hovering shadow touched me feet._

 _Still I didn't look up._

 _To look up and see that she wasn't there, that it was all a desperate illusion, would be more than me hopeful soul could take._

 _And then it touched me, as soft as a pillow of mist._

 _Her hand._

 _On me cheek._

 _Fingertips grazing the moisture that still lay upon me skin._

 _I didn't move. Couldn't bear to._

 _Her misty form would dissolve. Evaporate. I would be left alone._

 _Then her strong hands gently cupped me face, thumbs tracing light caresses under and around me red-rimmed eyes._

 _And tilted me head up to face hers._

 _I didn't speak. I couldn't._

 _I could only gaze into her searching blue eyes. Drink in her perfect features one by one to reaffirm that she was really standing before me._

 _And touching me._

 _Purposefully touching me._

 _Without some sort of dramatic wherewithal to force her._

 _Wordlessly, I reached out for her with both hands._

 _And she let me tenderly draw her into a trembling embrace on me purple pantsed lap._

 _I put me face down and lost meself in her silky black hair as her arms wrapped around me neck._

 _I could feel the strength in them._

 _The strength of her pulling me toward her, holding me tightly._

 _I breathed her in as much as I could, fearing at any moment she would dissipate and be no more._

 _It was her who spoke, my Alice._

 _Me with all me suave, smooth words and haughty demeanor and easy banter._

 _And she was the one who spoke first._

 _"I couldn't leave," she murmured, her voice barely audible. "Not without you, Hatter."_

 _Her voice seemed to be quavering slightly and me entire body thrummed with warmth and hope._

 _She . . . came back . . . for me?_

 _I pressed me lips into her hair, against her head._

 _I couldn't help it._

 _The time for hiding was over. The time for lies and deceptions and coverups and misdirections was through._

 _If this was me one and only second chance, I couldn't be aloof, couldn't pretend any longer._

 _I loved her. I knew that now, without a doubt._

 _I wanted,_ needed _her presence in me life._

 _I tightened me embrace around her, pressed her body to mine._

 _Drawing back a little I brought me face close to hers._

 _And kissed her._

 _The slight ridge of her cheekbones, the bridge of her nose._

 _The warm, soft, waiting flesh of her lips._

 _I kissed her honestly and without agenda._

 _No hidden con. No flashy showman._

 _I just kissed her._

 _To show her my love. My devotion. My loyalty._

 _And she kissed me back._

 _I'd never been kissed like that before._

 _It was pure and honest and genuine._

 _There was no attempt to flaunt any sexy and sultry persona developed by practice and Tea._

 _No underlying motive. No plan or goal._

 _Just me kissing her, delighting in her touch, delighting in her warmth, delighting in her attentions._

 _And her kissing me._

 _Alice._

 _Kissing me._

 _It was the most real and unaffected experience of me entire life._

And then it faded away.

I looked up, blinking back into the sudden intrusive glare of an existence without Alice in it.

I was still slumped against the tree.

Had I fallen asleep sitting up? Finally gone mad as an escape from me pain and misery?

No, it had only been a simple daydream brought on by the toll of physical and emotional exhaustion and deep yearning to not be separated from Alice.

I was still alone.

And she was still gone.

I cast me gaze around without hope, without faith that she would be there.

And she wasn't.

Found a squirrel, though.

Beady-eyed lil thing staring straight at me.

 _You did what? Let her go? What for, you idiot?_

I knew he wasn't _really_ talking to me. For all me stray daydreaming and random fantasizing, I wasn't _that_ mad.

Still, the lil bugger was too still and intent for me comfort.

I threw a pinecone in its general direction and watched it dash away.

Nothing for it now.

Was only one thing left to do.

I wiped me eyes, heaved meself up off the tree, and trudged on numb limbs to the hilltop.

I mighta given up the fight but I couldn't just walk away from her like a coward.

I would watch her go.

Just to make sure she was okay.

I'd promised after all.

* * *

 **Tough day, that. *sniffs***

 **Anyway, thanks to DinahRay, you're a much appreciated support for sure.**


	20. I Become a Stalker

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

I Become a Stalker

* * *

Watch her leave.

That's all there was left to do.

Stand up on that same bloody steep hilltop and watch her ride away without looking back.

So I did.

We did.

Me and Charlie.

Together.

She'd untied him.

Hugged him.

Said her goodbyes.

And left.

With Jack.

I knew it was the right thing for her.

To go with him. Be reunited with her long lost da. Go home where she belonged.

And Charlie knew it too.

He just didn't want to any more than I did.

"I'm going after her."

 _Let it go, Charlie._

"Your work here is done . . . brave knight."

Oh, he'd done his best. Couldn't fault him for that.

"But she's in safe hands now."

 _Just wish they were mine._

* * *

After I said my brief thank yous and take cares and goodbyes to Charlie, I followed them.

I followed _her._

I couldn't help it.

Just for a while.

Just until they got back through to the city.

Or so I told meself.

She wasn't riding close to him, snuggly or anything.

In fact, she kept rushing ahead, spurring her horse forward.

And he would have to jolt his own steed in order to keep up.

Guess that shoulda made me feel a little better.

But it didn't.

Honestly, there's no telling how long or far I woulda followed them.

Just to see her.

Just to make sure she was okay.

But then I was reunited with another of me recently dismissed associates.

* * *

"Charlie!"

Oh, he _tried_ to make me think he was just wandering.

 _Sure, sure. And the Queen's got a preference for steamed veg._

"You're following them!"

Dunno why I was so mad. Because . . .

"So are you!"

 _S'pose you didn't need to enlist the aid of the stupid Oracle to perceive that, did ya?_

 _By the way, your escutcheon's askew._

Anyway, so, yeah, I'd _said_ I would be hiding out in the hills.

But, well, the hills didn't have big blue eyes and long black hair and a panache for getting themselves into trouble, alright?

And Charlie was just as worried about her as I was.

Just slower about it.

So, for lack of an abundance of rope to truss him up to the nearest tree . . .

And I just couldn't bring meself to knock out the poor bloke, I mean, honestly . . .

. . . we headed off together to secretly see Alice safely to wherever she was to go.

* * *

They made it without incident all the way to the city, Just Alice and Prince Jack.

And I just couldn't stop there.

Frankly, neither could Charlie.

So it was just as well.

Still, ever tried sneakin' around with an unwanted accomplice?

Ever tried sneakin' around with an ancient old warbling man wearing clonky, misfitting armour?

Yeah, he wasn't the quietest.

Or the sneakiest.

But, to his credit, he was giving it an effort

Had even stopped his nonnies.

For the time being, anyway.

So there was that.

* * *

The Hospital of Dreams.

Last hope for those poor sods who'd let the Tea overwhelm their senses and needed professional help rehabilitatin' and convalescin'.

I'd never been in it, lucky me.

And I wasn't going to now.

Nowhere to hide unseen, watch over unseen. Me and Senile Sam'd be noticed for sure.

Just knowing she was there was enough for the time being.

The Looking Glass wasn't in there either, I knew that for a fact.

So I knew they had to come back out.

Just had to wait for it.

Wasn't easy when the Suits went in.

Nearly came apart under me hat, I did.

But we'd never be able to take them in those narrow corridors.

So I clenched me jaw.

Tapped me fingers.

Listed all me most favorite tea flavors.

Listed all me most hated Tea flavors.

And waited.

* * *

She came out conscious and and unmarred and walking on her own two booted feet and that warmed me frigid insides some.

She was okay, so far.

So there was still time.

But not much of it considering the rabbit headed murderous bloke that was leading the march.

And there was only me and Charlie.

Still . . .

"If we let them get to the Casino, there's going to be a whole lot more. We have to take them now."

So I formulated a plan.

Not much of a plan of course, as was me habit.

But something.

If I could only rally the dubious Charlie.

"I, uh, oh, well . . .

 _Come on, mate. Straighten up and grow a pair, yeah?_

 _I mean . . ._

"Show me what knights are made of."

Tottering old fool, he wasn't much. But he was all I had just then.

And he _was_ a knight.

With a sword.

And a horse.

* * *

Which he used to turn tail and run.

And leave me to get slammed to the ground and captured.

With Alice screaming me name.

And . . .

"What a nice surprise."

And Mad March himself gloating above me.

 _Oh bugger._

* * *

They didn't take me to the Queen, no.

I wasn't worth enough of her time to be bothered with.

Mad March on the other hand had been waiting for this moment for quite some time apparently.

And wanted to relish me complete and absolute defeat.

After letting the good 'Doctors' soften me up a bit first.

* * *

 **Thanks so much to DinahRay, ThatGypsyWriter, and HardfacedQueenofMisadventure for all your supportive reviews. Darlings, you are.**


	21. The Reason I Broke Alice's Lava Lamp

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

The Reason I Later Broke Alice's Lava Lamp

* * *

I honestly don't know how long they tortured me in that Truth Room.

Time goes mad in there.

Jumps forward, jerks back, grinds a screeching halt, loops and loops til your stomach is twirly and sick.

It's the pain, you see.

Does funny things to your mind.

And the surroundings.

They're different for everybody, it's said.

For me they were blobs of bubbling green, swirling and undulating in the most nauseating, discombobulating way possible.

The 'Doctors' don't help at all.

Dum and Dee, they love their fun.

And they have so _much_ of it.

The beatings.

The jeerings.

The near strangulations.

The laughter.

And the electricity, bugger me, the _electricity_.

Little sticks full of nerve searing jolts of fire.

Stick it right in ya and feel your synapses fry.

I didn't try to hold me screams.

Took too much energy.

Better to let it out, you see. So's it can give you just a modicum more of strength to keep breathin'.

So I endured it all.

With me screams.

And not with Alice's big, beautiful, blue eyes.

No. To think of them would've made me scared for her, weak.

So I shut those liquid sky blue orbs outta me head.

And focused in on me rage.

And me rhymes.

Bits of verse, snatches of poetry.

Words, syllables, things to bite and chew on insteada me own tongue.

A member of the Resistance had taught them to me as a way to keep the madness at bay and me brains functional and intact.

There were loads and loads to choose from.

I was down to three.

"Why is a raven like a writin' desk . . ."

I wasn't holding out hope for rescue or escape, no.

"Clockwork's not ticking properly . . ."

I was trussed good and tight. And weakening by the second.

"Maybe crumbs in the butter . . ."

There was to be no rescue either. Nobody was coming for me.

Alice was still in the clutches of the Suits.

The Resistance wouldn't risk losing any more fighters just for a shifty Teashoppe conman.

And Charlie, well, I couldn't afford to spare a thought of him right then.

So me hope was all dried up and blown away, like abandoned tea leaves in a thieving wind.

The only reason I was still alive was because they wanted information.

"Where is the Great Library?"

They knew I had the information they wanted.

And when I gave it to them, I would die.

As would everyone within.

So I had to stay breathin', stay alive.

Long enough for them to torture me to death.

Because I sure as hell wasn't tellin'.

Not even for her.

"Yeah, I didn't think you'd crack."

This was it.

This was the end.

And I knew it because he started rhyming.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. How I wonder what you're at."

Alice showed me a movie here in her world once.

Batman.

The best one, she said.

Yeah, it was good.

The hero, he had these wild eyebrows.

And this fantastic dialogue delivery. Made me a bit jealous, if I'm to be honest.

And the villain, the Joker, this barmy old git, didn't scare me at all.

Too wonky, him.

Except he had this line he would say to all his victims.

 _Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?_

And it sent shivers crawlin' down me spine.

Had to get Alice to stop the movie and take a walk outside on the flat ground in the open air.

Because I knew what his victims had felt when he said that.

I had felt it too.

With him.

Mad March.

When he quipped his own lil phrase.

And withdrew his knife.

To slash me jugular, spill me blood.

End me life.

With his knife.

Knife.

And then I had a thought.

Just a sliver of a thought.

A glimpse of a plan.

A touch of hope.

I risked a look down at me bonds.

Maybe, just maybe.

If I played it right.

So I plastered a hang-dog, whipped, beaten expression all over me face.

Not too hard to do, to be honest.

Until he made his lunge and I made mine.

Kicked him right in the chest from me newly supine position on the floor.

And wiggled outta sittin' position and to me feet.

He came at me again and I heaved . . .

 _Jabberwock ballocks, didn't look that heavy. Bloody hell._

. . . that dastardly heavy chair up to stave off his advance.

While angling me right wrist at him.

And worked like a charm.

Freed me bonds.

Well, just one.

But one was all I needed.

So's I could shatter that hideously happy, bizarre, porcelain rabbit head with me sledgehammer.

And mash and rip out all the machinery underneath.

Only when the head was destroyed and the body still upon that undulating green floor, did I rise and allow a single ray of light to into me brain.

 _Alice_.

* * *

 **Poor Alice, right baffled she was when I scrambled up out of a nightmare one night and winged that weird blobby glass horror right out the window.**

 **Forgave me tho when I explained meself over a steaming midnite cuppa. Good woman she is.**

 **Anyway, thanks to my gentle reviewers DinahRay and Ontherun246 (dead . . . pan? Frightening kitchen you must run).**


	22. The Fall of the House of Cards

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

The Fall of the House of Cards

* * *

Wasn't too hard to find Alice.

Just headed toward the sound of trouble.

Which led me right into the Heart of the Casino.

One of the Oyster rooms.

Fulla dancing girls, gambling tables.

And Alice.

Being held at gunpoint by two Suits.

 _Bloody hell, woman, are you ever_ not _in mortal peril?_

I took position, ignoring all me aching muscles and joints.

And whistled.

Took out the first guy with a sledgehammer punch and double teamed the second with Alice's help.

 _Much thanks, love._

Snatched up a gun for meself.

And found Alice's big blue eyes staring at me with an expression I'd never seen from me to her before.

Unmitigated relief.

"Hatter! You're okay!"

 _Eh, more or less. Mostly less._

Then she saw me face and her emotions changed.

"Oh my god!"

Abject horror.

Hadn't seen a mirror yet. Dunno what I looked like. Must not have been too pretty.

Didn't feel too pretty either.

Still . . .

"It's a few cuts and bruises, I'm fine."

Not exactly but no time for that.

But time for a hug.

 _Yay._

A really, really tight hug.

 _Finally._

Really tight.

 _Ow._

But honestly . . .

"Oh, that feels good."

And it did. It really did.

A little _too_ good for the situation maybe.

"We should save that until we're safe," I suggested, pushing her . . .

 _Really, you idiotic git?! She's_ hugging _you, what are you doing? Who cares? Let 'em shoot!_

. . . away before the Suits came in.

Or before me and me overexerted body betrayed itself.

And then she swept me away even more completely.

By finally giving me what I'd wanted along.

No, not _that_.

Well, not primarily.

Never mind.

What I mean is . . .

"I'm sorry I didn't trust you."

 _Alice . . ._

"Do you trust me now?"

Her eyes were bigger and bluer than ever.

"Completely."

 _Finally._

"Good."

Ahem, now back to the most pressing matter at hand.

"Follow me. I'll get us out of here."

But even though she trusted me . . .

"No."

. . . that didn't really mean she was going to just do whatever I said.

I mean, she was and still is, Alice after all, yeah?

 _What? Back here, are we?_

"No?"

 _You . . . don't_ want _to escape and survive? You know,_ live _?_

And then Alice, Just Alice, not even the Alice of Legend, started bringing down the whole house of cards.

Oh yeah.

Me little Oyster-of-action grabbed a gun and started shooting up the place.

I followed suit, so to speak.

And we stirred up those emotions.

She talked big. Waved her gun around.

And scared them all to pieces.

Then she kept going.

And woke up all the sleeping Oysters from their bed of dreams.

Made them think.

About themselves.

Their names.

Their families.

Their kids.

Whoever it was that they cared for the most, that's what she gave them back.

It was beautiful the way she brought them back to life.

And then they got scared.

Started panicking.

And I knew when everything broke loose, it was going to be hysteria.

So I prepared for the worst.

And the worst came.

In the form of her father.

The Carpenter.

Suits, there were Suits there too. The ones that broke down the door and shot their guns.

She fired back and so did I.

I really think we were almost getting used to it, bein' repeatedly attacked and marked for death.

But that wasn't what broke her.

What broke her was her father.

He was awake, finally awake. Returned to her.

"It's me, Alice. It's your father."

And she didn't believe, couldn't believe him, not at first.

"You don't remember. It's just a trick!"

But he did, he did remember.

She had her father back.

Though she didn't quite accept him or what he'd done.

Not just yet.

"When he's done with you, he'll get rid of you! Isn't that right, Daddy?!"

And there it was.

The final piece of her puzzle.

She loved him, she missed him.

And part of her, a little part she herself didn't want to acknowledge, _hated_ him.

Hated him for not being there, for abandoning her.

And that's why she'd had a bad track record with liking guys.

She liked them, wanted their attentions and feelings but always feared they'd leave.

So she'd left first.

Except Jack.

Who'd played her worse than any other guy she'd ever taken a chance on.

I didn't have to be there to see it all.

And I didn't have time to let it break me heart just then.

Because something was going to happen.

I didn't know what, but I could feel it coming.

And I wanted to be ready when it did.

So I shoved Alice's pain in the back of me brain and the bottom of me heart.

And steeled meself for the worst.

And then the worst happened.

A big, fat, bloodied-up guy in a weird grey jumpsuit staggered in.

And shot Alice's father.

Who saw it coming.

"NO!"

Turned his body.

And sacrificed himself for his long lost daughter.

Took that bullet right in the back for her.

And she, that strong, brave girl of action stood.

Frozen and numb and stuck, her father bleeding out at her feet.

As that great droopy mustached walrus of a man drew down on her.

And I never even hesitated.

Emptied the rest of me stolen bullets into him, dropping him dead to the floor.

And everything went sideways after that.

The entire structure started rumbling and quaking.

Oysters screaming and running everywhere.

And Alice, beautiful broken Alice, lay hunched over and sobbing into her dead father's arms.

If I could have, I would have let her empty her sorrow and grief there on that black and white and bloody floor until her well was run dry.

Until she was ready to say goodbye and let her father go.

But if I did, she would die.

"We've got to get out of here! Please, I'm sorry, Alice . . ."

I practically had to drag her away from the man for whom she had so desperately searched for so long.

And I hated to do it.

But I couldn't carry them both.

And she was still alive.

And he wasn't.

So I chose her.

* * *

We made it almost to the stairs, running and stumbling all the way.

Alice crying and screaming for her father.

And then me brave, strong Oyster finally collapsed.

She'd gone as far as she could.

Fought as hard as she could.

But her father was dead.

And her heart was broken.

And she had nothing left.

At least for the moment.

Her legs crumpled and her body sagged.

I swept her up in me embrace and she wrapped her arms around me neck, crying freely.

"I've got you, Alice. It's alright."

It almost wasn't though.

The Doctors had done quite a number on me and I was dangling at the end of me own rope.

Me legs wobbled as I descended the long flight of stairs as the floor shuddered and rumbled beneath me feet.

But I wouldn't fall, I wouldn't stumble, I wouldn't trip.

I wouldn't fail Alice now.

I would be strong for her when she was weak.

And I would carry her out of that Casino.

And so I did.

* * *

We made it some distance to a stand of trees before the ground shook like an angry Jabberwock and I lowered us to the ground as gently as I could.

She stayed in me arms for a time, trembling and crying her grief out.

Then she was emptied, quiet.

And I waited, astutely ignoring me aches and pains and bruises and cuts.

She let go of me and shifted to sit alone on a bed of moss, her head in her hands, staring at the ground as the Casino collapsed in the distance.

Finally she spoke, voice raspy and drained.

"I'm thirsty."

And we got up together.

Me, keeping a hand on her, just because I simply had to.

We found a stream.

And drank from it.

"Better?"

She nodded wordlessly.

Then she got up and started walking again.

That kind of walk where everything you know is gone to ruin and you really have no reason to keep moving but you're just stubborn enough to.

I followed her, not really sure where she was going or what she was going to do.

But that part didn't matter.

I was just there to make sure she was okay.

Which she wasn't.

"My father's dead."

I didn't have an response to that. Anything would've sounded trite.

Then she spoke again.

"Jack lied."

 _There's a shock._

"He lied about everything between us. It was all just a ruse to get my father to release the Oysters and overthrow his mother."

She wasn't looking at me again.

"You were right."

I sighed.

"I didn't want to be, Alice. I didn't want to be part of hurting you. I just wanted to help you."

She nodded.

"I know, Hatter. Thank you."

Then we found the edge of a glade.

And a whole bunch of Suits.

And Oysters.

And the Queen.

* * *

 **A real mess that was, huh? Yeah.**

 **Thanks to me loyal compatriot, DinahRay. Nearing the end, aren't we?**


	23. The Victorious Alice and her Hatter

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

The Victorious Alice and her Beaten (in More Ways than One) Hatter

* * *

"I don't suppose I could get that hug now, huh?"

There was me, acting all selfishly again.

And kinda hopin' to jolt her outta her funk.

Funny thing is, she mighta been still in shock or maybe just changed a bit, but Alice didn't seem to mind that time.

I might've even gotten me wish granted.

If it hadn't been for that bloody Queen.

Waddling right up with her Suits and demanding Alice's capture all over again.

And, wounded and exhausted . . .

 _Could we just pause for a cuppa first? No, s'pose not. Alright then._

. . . I drew meself up for another battle.

But I needn't have worried.

We weren't alone anymore.

Her Oysters, the ones she had woken up and saved, they were ready to fight for her.

And she was ready to fight back.

"Take a good look at your Queen first. Make sure she's really worth fighting for."

Was a good speech.

Even worked too.

Not even the Suits would back her up now.

Apparently Just Alice inspired that kind of loyalty and devotion.

And not just in me.

They looked. They all looked.

Oooh, and that made the Queen angry.

"Off with her head!"

But nobody moved.

Because . . .

"No one is frightened of you anymore."

Not even her own son.

"No, Mother. It's over."

And then Alice took the ring.

In the best way she could.

By making the Queen _give_ it to her.

"I'd sooner have you cut off my finger!"

Of her own free will.

"That can be arranged."

Sorta.

Never was one to pass the hat, me, even in such unpresidented work as this.

"Do you have a knife?"

And Jacky boy and I were finally on the same page.

"Make sure it's a clean cut. We don't want any blood on the ring."

"Mmmhhm."

And then it was over.

Mary Elizabeth Constance Devillous Heart, former Queen and dictator of the realm, pulled the Stone of Wonderland off her own pudgy finger.

And placed it into the hand of an Oyster.

* * *

"I could have used you out there today," Alice commented lightly.

We were standing on the edge of the glade, just for a moment as the Queen was led away by her very own son and _his_ Suits.

I glanced at her, a playfully questioning look forming on me bruised face.

 _Ooh, could ya now? I like the sound of this._

"Yeah?"

She nodded.

"I flew a flamingo. All by myself."

"Wow," I nodded approvingly. "So got over that thing about flying?"

She smiled, just a little.

You could tell she was still outta sorts. But managing.

Plus, maybe it was one of those Wonderland things.

Too bizarre to be real.

Not until later when it was all over.

So it could temporarily be shoved to the side until the time came to work it all out.

"No. Of course not. It was terrifying. But I discovered I had a bigger thing about bullets."

Me sore smile grew wider despite the pain it caused.

"I'm impressed."

She seemed moderately proud of herself.

"Still could of used you."

 _Been used enough, love._

"Sorry," I apologized, resisting a jaunty shrug, seeing as how it would have hurt too much. "I was a little . . . distracted."

Her face grew grim.

"What did they do to you? The Doctors?"

I looked down and away, trying to remain casual. Wouldn't do to worry her. She had a full teacup as it was.

"Eh, you know. Nothing that won't heal."

But it wasn't enough for Alice.

A few things ever were.

"Let me see."

* * *

"Okay, this may sting a little."

They already did, all those cuts and bruises and electrical burns the 'Doctors' had visited upon me.

But I sat still in the shade of the tree and didn't flinch as Alice used those strong, karate choppin' fingers of hers to so gently clean me battered face of its blood and grime.

I'd never seen her face look like that toward me before. It was always so firm and set for a battle of one kind or another. Or crushed and destroyed like when her father died.

This was different. Softer, more open. Akin to when she had asked me in the woods what she would do if she was struck here in Wonderland. But less fearful and vulnerable with worry for herself.

This time the only worry within her was for me and me bruised and bloodied up condition.

She was right. It did sting, all me cuts and bruises crying out for reprieve. I didn't know what that stuff was on that cloth, but if it was a Charlie invention, I would probably shrivel up and die within the hour.

But I didn't worry about that just then. I didn't worry about anything. I just fell into Alice's big, beautiful blue eyes, so filled with care for me.

Fell right into them and drowned.

But not for near long enough.

"Alice, may I have a word?"

 _Oh, Jabberwock ballocks._

It was him, the Prince Jack of Hearts himself.

Her beautiful blue eyes, so tender for once upon mine, iced at the sound of his voice and our bond was cracked, like a fumbled China tea cup.

They rest of her didn't acknowledge his presence at all.

She ignored him completely.

In favor of me.

Just that once, I was all she cared about.

But the dear, entitled Prince Jack of Hearts would have his audience, make no mistake.

"Alice?" he pressed again, ever so mannerly of course.

 _Oh bugger off, won't you, you pretentious git?!_

He waited a moment more and his unrelenting presence finally wore her down.

Alice pressed her lovely lips together, sighed, and still did not look away from me.

"In a minute, Jack."

Her voice was so soft and mild. Me heart melted in its caress.

I tried to keep me aching, stinging face expressionless and passive.

Still pretty sure everything I was thinking and feeling (really feeling, not just Tea-induced feeling) was written all over me, screaming so loud the silence wept as she continued to minister to me outer wounds.

 _You trusted me._

 _You believed me._

 _I love you._

 _Don't stop._

But of course, she did.

Because dear, sweet, pretty boy Jack needed to talk.

And I could only imagine about what.

And that's how she went away from me.

Again.

* * *

 **Blimey, for a while that's all Alice did was walk away from me, it seemed.**

 **So DinahRay, Pipthesnake (best penname ever, love) and guest Cassie (thanks for speaking up by the way), like to read more after this, would ya?**

 **Well, there is more, I must admit. Our little bundle of joy for instance. Imagine that, eh, the Hatter of Wonderland and Alice of not Legend elbow deep in nappies.**

 **Still not quite as smelly as Ratty, tho.**


	24. The Last Time She Left Me

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

The Last Time She Left Me

* * *

I almost didn't go.

Didn't want to.

Would've been easier to just pretend it wasn't happening til it was all over.

And she was gone.

And I could start to forget about her.

Talk about delusional.

I would _never_ forget about her.

Me pretty girl in a very wet dress.

Me karate choppin' Oyster of action.

Me Alice.

But I bloody well didn't have to smile and watch her go, did I?

Already done that once, back in the Kingdom of the Knights.

So I'd filled me quota then, thanks very much.

Except I hadn't.

I had to go.

I didn't pass the hat on her all those times before and I wasn't going to now.

Might even snag another warm, welcoming hug.

 _Maybe even . . ._

Still, almost didn't make it.

Too many Oysters everywhere.

Too many old acquaintances milling about, wanting to know if it was really true, if it was really over.

So it took awhile to get there.

To the Hall of the Looking Glass.

But I did.

Right in the nick of time.

I walked right through the revolving doors and into the room and saw _. . ._

 _. . . Alice, poised on the cusp of the Looking Glass._

 _"_ _Wait!"_

 _And everyone in the room turned to look at the newly arrived loudmouthed bruiser in the hat._

 _Alice turned too._

 _And her lovely face lit up bright and smiling and happy._

 _"_ _Hatter!"_

 _And ran to me._

 _I opened me arms wide and she flew into them without restraint, all warm and accepting and strong._

 _I reveled in her embrace, breathing her in and feeling her warmth against me._

 _Finally, pulling back, I gazed into that pale, beautiful face._

 _All alit and glowing, just for me._

 _"_ _I didn't think you were coming,"_

 _She was breathless. I was too._

 _"_ _I had to, Alice. I couldn't just let you go . . ."_

 _Everyone was around us, watching._

 _Listening._

 _And I just didn't care._

 _"_ _. . . because I love you."_

 _Her beautiful big blue eyes shined brighter than ever._

 _And then the most marvelous thing in all the worlds happened._

 _Alice, Just Alice, kissed me._

 _The Hatter of Wonderland._

 _And I kissed her right back._

. . . Alice hugging Prince Jack.

King.

Whatever.

And me already bruised, hurting, wounded heart cracked.

 _What did you expect, you hopeless git? He's a bloody_ King _._

Still, I'd promised meself and her she would be safe.

And she was.

So I couldn't hope for more.

Because me part was clearly done here.

So I started to turn away.

But . . .

"Hatter!"

 _Oh Jabberwock ballocks._

I was caught.

With me bleedin' heart in me tremblin' hand.

I shoved it mercilessly back in me aching chest and turned.

Hatter, the conman, showman of Wonderland, turned.

"Alice . . ."

 _Oi, curious seein' you here about . . ._

". . . hey!"

And there I went.

Talking right off the top o' me hat.

" . . . afraid I mighta missed ya."

 _Showed up in time to see you huggin' dear ol Jack though. Yay._

She, of course, was all bright-eyed and smiling.

Love of a prince'll do that to a girl, I guess.

". . . cut it a little close."

 _Just busy trying to keep breathin', love._

". . . not to think about it . . ."

 _Shut it, ya wanker._

". . . wanted to say . . . goodbye."

 _There. Done. Easy._

 _Oh, me heart._

 _No, keep talkin', keep talkin', keep breathin' and talkin'._

" . . . fancy coming back . . ."

 _Here? Really? You joking?_

"You want me to stay?"

 _Oh, thank me hat, yes, please . . ._

"Hell, no!"

No acting impetuously-selfishly, nope, not me.

Not this time.

"You should go home."

 _No don't, please don't leave, stay with me, don't go . . ._

And she, me stubborn, stubborn Alice chose then to actually listen to me reason.

"Yeah."

 _Bugger all. Damn trust just grew teeth and bit me on the bum, didn't it?_

". . . enough of Wonderland for a lifetime."

 _Can't imagine why. Downright lovely place, it's proven to be, yeah?_

" . . . right?"

She seemed slightly baffled by me ridiculous display.

Can't imagine why. Might've been the contradiction between me big, bright smile and the welling of tears . . .

 _You stay right there, you salty lil buggers. Not one drop, you._

. . . in me dark eyes.

To go along with me rambling speechin'.

" . . . had a laugh . . ."

 _Remember when we were riding the horse and you didn't want to touch me?_

" . . . good times . . ."

 _You yelling at Jack insteada me. Good, that was good._

". . . among all the bad times . . ."

 _Basically everything else._

Reaching for anything to keep me afloat, I was.

And she wasn't quite buyin' the Tea (read here, false emotion) I was sellin'.

But she went on ahead and agreed all the same.

And stared straight at me with her soul in her beautiful blue eyes.

As I gazed right back, willing her to read me insides.

 _I need you._

 _I love you._

 _Don't leave me._

And then, just as I'd always predicted, she rallied.

Took off the gifted velvet coat.

And handed it over to me.

 _No, keep it._

 _Wear it._

 _For me._

 _I lo–_

"Brilliant."

And there she was.

Just Alice.

In her blue dress.

And red tights.

And lil brown boots.

And big blue eyes.

Casting off the last of Wonderland.

And me.

She was ready to go home.

She needed to go home.

And I needed her to stay.

"We should, uh . . ."

Yay, got me hug.

Finally.

Quick, rigid, goodbye hug wouldn'ta warmed a spilt tea saucer.

Not the one I wanted.

But the one I got.

And it'd have to do.

 _Please don't go._

Then she reached out again.

". . . visit my world . . ."

 _Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, good idea, that._

". . . might like it."

She was just bein' nice.

Sweet of her, really.

 _Me and Alice and uh, what did they do there? Oh yeah . . ._

". . . pizza."

 _Keep it light, keep it light, don't crack._

But she wasn't keepin' it light. She was right there.

And she wanted me there too.

"And lots of other things."

But I just couldn't manage it.

 _Yeah, sure. Things. Right. Wait, hang on. What things?_

Her liquid eyes begging me to say it.

 _Do it, man. Say it. I. Love. You. Alice._

 _Or hug her._

 _Or kiss her._

 _Anything._

 _Just don't . . ._

"Alice, please . . ."

As he led her away from me.

 _. . . do that._

I couldn't let her go.

I couldn't make her stay.

I couldn't move a muscle.

Blink an eye.

Say a word.

I couldn't do anything at all.

And then . . .

"Just force yourself to breathe."

. . . she was gone.

And everything I wanted, everything I needed, was gone too.

I stood there, empty and lost and aching and numb.

She was gone.

From me.

Forever.

I'd never see her again.

Touch her again.

Argue with her again.

Never anything again.

Ever.

 _Just force yourself to breathe._

 _Yeah, yeah, good advice, that. I'll see what I can do._

* * *

 **Suffice it to say me thoughts were a bit of a jumble that day. Alice calls it stress-induced ADHD. I call it me.**

 **Anyway, I thought it was over then. I was wrong o' course, as you already know.**

 **Thanks my dear DinahRay and ThatGypsyWriter (hopin' those bleghs pop off soon, love) for those lovely encouragements.**

 **Two more after this, I believe. Then it'll all be said and done.**


	25. Those That Care Drive Me Mad

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

Those That Care Drive Me Mad

* * *

Over the next several weeks I did all I could not to think of Alice.

Wandered from task to task.

Assisted the noble Prince-now-King Jack in disposing of the Tea stores of his mafia-slated family.

Wasn't such a bad guy, to be honest. Just . . . him.

Still, he tried.

"Alice didn't choose me at the Looking Glass, Hatter."

 _Didn't ask._

"She said she wanted something else."

 _Yeah. Home. Normalcy. Buildings on the ground._

And following my lack of response, he spoke no more of it until our work had come to an end.

"Hatter . . ."

I didn't even let him get started.

"Oh blimey, look at that, I'm late for tea."

And scurried off like Dormy on a cheese run.

Speakin' of me consciously challenged mate, found it celebratin' with the rest of the Resistance at the Hospital of Dreams.

"You did it, boss! You did it!"

I patted its shoulder.

"With your help, Dorms."

It grinned proudly under its gender baffling moustache.

"Aw, I didn't do nothing!"

Then the excitement overwhelmed it and it fell asleep standing up.

That Dorms, me own little fainting goat.

I eased it down into a nearby chair and it started with a snort, twitching and mumbling about unbirthdays.

I couldn't resist a dry chuckle as I made sure it was well balanced on the chair before moving on.

Because there was more work to be done and more Alice to try to forget.

Assisted in the tracking and capture of Dee and Dum. Gave them a little Truth Room taste of their of own medicine.

Which for one of them, apparently consisted of pink and lavender dancing parasols.

And on the subject of oddities . . .

Finally met Caterpillar. Wasn't _he_ a marvel?

"So you are the Oyster's Hatter."

A mild statement that brooked no argument. So I didn't bother to offer one.

"And how did you find her emotions?"

I studied the sky, the crumbling buildings, his mystifying robe.

Anything to buy a second of time to fabricate a safe answer.

"Intoxicating," I finally admitted rather more honestly than I'd intended.

He nodded, seeming fetched upon me as an object of curious interest.

"And how do you plan to manage their effect on you when you follow her through the Looking Glass?"

I stubbornly sidestepped an oncoming blush.

"I'm not following her through the Looking Glass."

He smiled wryly.

"All the same, it would behoove you to consider yourself before you do."

Patted me elbow and moved on to engage Charlie in a no doubt fascinating conversation regarding the Oracle and toenail readings.

Ran into Dodo. Wasn't the hardest thing. He always has been a being whose presence takes up more physical space than his actual girth warrants.

"Hatter."

"Dodo."

Seemed slightly irritated to find me still breathing. And not even a little dismembered.

"Heard about your Oyster. Gone home, has she?"

I nodded with a poorly executed casual air.

"Without you? Pity. Pegged you for smarter, Hatter."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Didn't know you cared, Dodo."

He smirked.

"Oh, I don't," he replied smarmily. "It'll tear out Owl's heart though. She's a big softie."

 _Don't think that would've been a comfort had she shot me._

And we carefully moved on from one another.

 _Better remember to warn Jack about him. Got his eye on the Stone still, I wager._

So me life was kept fairly busy. By me responsibilities and those needy citizens of Wonderland.

But not busy enough to escape being miserable living and breathing without me lovely, stubborn, Oyster Alice.

Oh, I tried to move on, wish her well and tuck her away.

Didn't work.

She was in me every pore, every thought, every dream.

Charlie didn't help either. He chased me everywhere, demanding to be told why I hadn't confessed me undying . . .

 _Hey, that was private, you wanker!_

. . . love for Alice and pursued her through the looking glass.

Bloody maddening, he was. Bloke just did not know when to quit.

Eveybody seemed to care about her. And me. And us. Together. Apparently we'd made a bit more of a spectacle at the Looking Glass than I'd realized. I'd been so lost and flailing that I hadn't noticed it at the time.

But now, people cared. Now. When she was gone.

But they seemed to care because of what she had done for them and Wonderland. And me own small part in helping her.

Admirable enough, to be sure.

But Charlie.

Charlie simply cared. With all his mad little heart he cared. With a focus more narrow then the eye of a needle, he cared.

About Alice. Because she was simply just Alice. And me, to a slightly lesser extent. Because I was me.

And he was _relentless_.

"Dear boy, you must go after her, she pines for you there, just on the other side! She awaits you! The Oracle hath told me so!"

I gave him The Look. The 'I'm calling you on your Bandersnatch droppings' Look.

He held me gaze adamantly before finally relenting.

"Do you _care_ for the girl, Hatter?"

 _More than tea itself, Charlie._

I didn't have to reply. Me silence was enough. He nodded and spoke quietly, much unlike his usual warbling.

"Then go to her, lad. Speak the truth and let her decide."

 _What if she doesn't want me?_

"Of course she will, Hatter. She already does. And you know it."

As I said, bloody maddening he was.

No matter how many times I fumbled to explain that she belonged in her world and I in mine, he wouldn't listen.

No matter how many times I attempted to make sense of the fact that she couldn't stay and I couldn't leave, he turned a deaf ear.

Her mother, her only remaining steadfast in her world, needed to know her daughter was safe and returned, unlike so many Oysters in times past who would be lost forever to their loved ones.

She had never come here for me anyway, had she? Jack, it had always been Jack. Even in the end at the Looking Glass , she had wrapped her arms around him tighter than me.

But Charlie was determined.

And so 'round and 'round we went. Over and over again.

 _You belong together_ , he said. _You and Alice. She never looked at him the way she looked you . She only left because she must and without you because you did not open your mouth and speak from your heart, you idiotic childish boy! Go after her!_

As I said, bloody maddening, he was.

Took me forever to listen too.

If she hadn't haunted my waking and sleeping dreams every day and night, I might have held out a lot longer than I did before I followed her.

But probably not a helluva lot.

I mean, she was Alice after all. And I, the Hatter, was hopelessly in love her.

And it was bloody maddening, to be honest.

* * *

 **Yeah, they wore me down right well, they did.**

 **Last chapter coming up. Appreciate all the reads from everyone. And the reviews, DinahRay and Ontherun246.**


	26. How I Shocked Me Future Mother-in-Law

I do not own Syfy's Alice.

But we've already been through that, yeah?

Bloody Maddening

How I Shocked and Apalled Me Future Mother-in-Law

* * *

When the door opened, I nearly ran.

I'd done everything I could to forget her.

Weeks and weeks it had been.

And the ache in me heart had never gone away.

Me dreams of her had never diminished.

Me thoughts of her had never strayed.

And so I had finally swallowed me tea and gone to King Jack.

And pled me case.

"Please, I just . . . I just need to see her again."

And Jack, snooty Jack, had looked upon me.

Calculating, stern. As if testing me sincerity, me resolve.

"You know, it is a one way trip, Hatter. We can't afford to use the Looking Glass just because we feel like it. Its power is corrupting, the masses still crave their Tea, it's much too dangerous to reopen here and there on a whim."

I nodded, idling turning me hat 'round and 'round in me hands.

"Yeah, I know. But . . . I just . . ."

He watched me closely, waiting.

"I just need to be with her."

There just wasn't anything more to it than that.

King Jack looked at his Queen, the former Duchess.

She was still her, blond, tall, beautiful.

Much more covered and less trollopy looking now though.

Happier too.

She smiled at him and he smiled back and nodded. First at her, then me.

"Very well, then."

And cleared his throat.

"A little less than a day will have passed in her world since she first came through . . ."

And then he talked.

About her world.

Its comings and goings.

Its rules, its everything.

Some I knew, some I didn't.

Then he took me through himself.

Showed me around.

Gave me cash, those lil green pieces of paper. Some plastic rectangles too.

Gave me the apartment he'd lived in during his stay.

Six months paid, he'd said. Then it's up to you.

Educated me right well.

Even took me to her flat so's I'd know the way.

Dressed me all different, he did. Said I wouldn't fit in her world looking like me.

Plainer, simpler clothes.

Even made me brush me hair.

Wanker.

But it was okay, really.

Anything was worth getting to see her again.

Still . . .

"Can I at least keep a hat?"

I mean, honestly . . .

* * *

So I was prepared, I was ready.

Even had a cover story, contrived by Jack.

Construction worker who'd found Alice.

But plannin' was one thing.

 _Doing_ was something else entirely.

So when Alice's mum opened the door, I nearly ran for it out of sheer nerves.

"Hello, come in! You must be David."

And she led me into the flat.

Warm and inviting, it was.

Just the kind of place Alice would call home.

So far as I could tell.

I was in a right state, all twangin' nerves and throated heart.

"I'll tell her you're here."

And she walked a few steps away.

I was so nervous me senses were on overload and her heels clicking on the floor sounded like gunshots blastin' me eardrums.

But I was in, I was there, and I was . . .

"Alice?"

. . . not going to throw up.

"Come meet David."

 _Oh bugger._

Now it was it.

What would she do?

Stand there stunned and confused, why was I here?

Walk up and shake me hand formally, as passing acquintances do?

Smile and welcome me into her home?

No, she didn't do any of that.

I saw her before she saw me.

She walked in slow, her face long and drawn.

She was dressed differently too.

Simpler, more grownup.

Grey cardigan, maroon blouse. Jeans.

And no wobbly lil boots, but flat shoes.

Sneakers.

And her hair was different.

Still up. Still long.

But different, more mature.

As if she'd put away the abandoned lost little girl when she'd come home.

I wondered if she'd put me away too.

 _"Hatter!"_

Apparently not.

Her entire face lit up as she gasped.

Then she flat out _ran_ at me, her pale face the loveliest picture of shock and surprise.

And . . . relief?

I opened me arms as she flung herself into them, nearly knocking the air from me.

Oh god, she felt good.

And for the first time since she had disappeared from me sight into the Looking Glass, I could . . .

"Finally."

. . . breathe.

I hugged her back, so warm and right as she softly gasped her surreshing breath into me listening, hungry ears.

"You have no idea how glad I am to see you."

 _Oh . . ._

Then she released me and leaned back . . .

 _Hey, where ya goin' . . ._

. . . and gazed into me eyes with those big, beautiful, blue, joyous ones.

Human emotions are strong, they say.

Stronger than those of Wonderlanders.

Mostly 'cause of all the Tea, most of us don't know how to manage our own real emotions.

And those of us who do find that it grows tiresome and dull, day after day.

Grey and worn, like a barren prison wall surrounding your mind and heart.

Alice's emotions were strong and powerful.

And right out on her face and all over her all the time.

Even when she thought they weren't.

I'd, as had some of the Resistance, had some practice diffusing the emotions of the Oysters.

Not letting them overwhelm me, like a heady vapor or mist.

So I was a bit stronger than most.

But I didn't _want_ to diffuse Alice's emotions any longer.

I didn't _want_ to hold them back.

I wanted to be swept away by them. Engulfed by them. Enveloped and saturated completely.

I never wanted anything so much in me entire life.

Because I loved her.

I didn't mind her emotions sometimes gave me vertigo and headaches and exhaustion.

I would learn to live with it.

I would learn to enjoy it.

I would learn to embrace it.

By embracing her.

And so I did.

I kissed her.

And she let me.

No, not let.

Welcomed.

Her fingers against me cheek, soft and caressing.

Lips delicious on mine.

She cared, she loved me back.

And it was then that I felt real and unreal, complete and whole.

And so very happy.

Such a flood of emotions I could have drowned, happily drowned.

I broke the kiss only so I could breathe and pressed me forehead to hers with me eyes closed.

Reveling in her presence, her touch.

Her powerful waves of emotions mixing in with mine so absolutely perfectly.

All of them good.

And I could barely manage coherent thought or words, so full of her emotions, and me own was I.

Still, I managed to breathe out to her.

Let her know.

"I missed you."

That wasn't all I had to say, not by a long shot.

There was so, so much more.

But that would come later, there was time now.

For then, I did the only thing I could imagine doing.

I kissed her again.

Alice.

Me beautiful, bloody maddening little Oyster.

 _I love you._

* * *

Well, that's the long and short of it, gentle readers. How I, the Hatter of Wonderland, fell in love with the Oyster Alice Hamilton of, well, your world.

Six years ago, that was. Blimey, how time flies. And lava lamps.

I'm happy to report that Alice's mum did not in fact beat me to death with me own hat. We've actually achieved marital bliss and are currently up to our elbows in nappies.

Um, Alice and me, not Alice's mum and me.

Anyway, story for another time, that.

And I know you've heard this tale before but per'aps here I've provided a little more insight into me. Or at the very least given you a laugh or two along the way.

Goodbye for now then. Happiness to you all and most loveliest of teas.

Oops, me thinks me hears the stirrings of an awakening babe in the night. 'S my turn to feed so I'd best get crackin'.

Cheers!

* * *

 **Special thanks to DinahRay for practically begging Not Marge to insist I tell me story. And for reviewing each and every single chapter. Blimey, you deserve a hug or a cuddle or something, love. ;)**

 **Guest Cassie, thanks for your reviews as well. And in regard to the Caterpillar query, I think it was more of a teleportation 'shroom rather than a shrivel up and die fungi. But Caterpillar keeps lots o' things to himself and answers the rest in riddles so I'm reduced to postulatin'.**

 **Good question all the same. :)**

 **And finally, thanks to the silent readers of this tale. Much appreciated.**


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